Oh, no! Nedney’s kick is good! This wasn’t part of my master plan! Not at all! Had my master plan been executed properly, it would have been YOU, San Francisco 49ers, wallowing in the despair of your untimely demise. Alas, you have foiled me.

And no thanks to the handy work of these underlings of mine! You fools! You ruined the master plan! It had all gone so perfectly. My goal was to start out the season with a flourish of defensive power unlike anything the world had ever seen. Columnists and analysts would tremble in awe at the majesty of Mr. Bailey and his cohorts.

Then, my master plan was to lose an unspecified number of games. To make everything think we were weak. Vulnerable. You see, in order to make my team better, I first had to destroy it. And I had the perfect accomplice for that task. Mr. Plummer, you played a perfect Judas for me. Everyone turned against you, thanks to my elaborate plan to showcase your purposeful treachery. No one would suspect the awesome weapon I had in store…

CUT-LAHHHHHHH!!!!!

He was perfect. TOO perfect. No one suspected that a 12-year-old boy could inflict such damage. But no one knew of my master plan! I kept it hidden from you all! It was in a red binder marked, “Line Calls!” Ha! Who would have guessed such an innocent piece of office equipment would host to such a grand and elaborate scheme for world football domination! No one suspected a thing! Not even Bowlen! He was too busy ravaging that floozy of a wife of his! Oh, people knew old Shanny was up to something. But this? Never in a million years, I tell you!

You see, Cutler was designed to be the ultimate weapon. I had him bred personally using my own seed. Then, I had a group of scientists engineer the zygote for increased physical strength and extra moxie! He was the perfect specimen of my specimen. In fact, he was TOO good. That’s why I sent Cutler to Vanderbilt. Who would have guessed that some pathetic SEC school that doesn’t even have a fucking AD would be the testing ground for the most sophisticated piece of football weaponry ever devised? Only I could possess such vision! Let me pause here for a moment to laugh maniacally in a gradual crescendo.

Hmm mmm mmm…

Huh huh huh…

Ha ha ha ha ha…

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Alas, now everything has been ruined! You fools! I gave you men the perfect plan and you executed it with Neolithic incompetence! Criminy! This was even more poorly realized than my elaborate Alphabet Robberies! Foolish mortals! Soon you will taste the sting of the back of my hand, you pathetic goons!

And you, Mike Nolan! You have done me in! Oh, people think you’re oh so debonair in that suave sweater vest of yours. Who knew that, in reality, you were such a caged animal! You have proven yourself a worthy foe by exposing Cutler’s one weakness (base pass defense). But I assure you this is not the last you have heard from Master Shanahan!

Right now, I am devising an even greater plan, one so meticulously detailed it would make Belichick shit a brick. I cannot disclose any of it to you now. All I can tell you is that it involves a pulling guard, a Namibian lemur, a child in Papua/New Guinea with the amazing power to pass through walls, and Darrent Williams’ murderer. You thought that was an accident? Why, you’ve walked right in to my hands.

You’ll see! Soon my plan will come to sweet fruition, and the world will cower before my unnaturally tanned complexion! Huzzah!