As part of our Super Bowl coverage, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with the occasional player or two. For the Colts, it’s starting center Jeff Saturday.

Big Daddy Drew: Jeff, thanks for sitting down with us.
Jeff Saturday: My pleasure.

Drew: I understand Peyton Manning has a thumb injury. Do you think he feels more comfortable going into the Super Bowl with a built-in excuse?
Saturday: No.

Drew: You bend over regularly in front of Manning. Does he ever make you wear a jersey with “Chesney” stitched on the back?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Are you happy Manning got to the Super Bowl? It took a lot of work for you guys, but you finally got him in the position to hog all the credit.
Saturday: I’m very happy for Peyton.

Drew: Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith will be coaching against one another on Sunday. How much are they like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls?
Saturday: They’re nothing like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls.

Drew: Won’t it be bittersweet for Tony to win the Super Bowl because he didn’t beat a white coach? I mean, it’s almost like it doesn’t count.
Saturday: It counts the same.

Drew: Reggie Wayne went to Miami. How much has he taught you about the improper handling of firearms?
Saturday: Reggie doesn’t own a gun.

Drew: Marvin Harrison: Born without a tongue?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Because that happens, like to that one kid in Christmas Vacation.
Saturday: Marvin can talk.

Drew: Joseph Addai went to LSU. When the United Way forces you to go read to illiterate kids, does he join the class?
Saturday: Joe can read.

Drew: You scored a touchdown last week. Any bonus pussy for that?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Rob Morris is a Mormon. Does he ever stare into his helmet for five minutes and then tell you he was talking to the Lord?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Then smile like a really fucking creepy smile at you?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Do you use only plastic silverware around Nick Harper?
Saturday: No.

Drew: I’m tired of asking you football questions. Mind if I just ask you about random shit?
Saturday: Yes.

Drew: Who likes Trident? I do! I do!
Saturday: It’s okay.

Drew: Is there a biological term for the male dickhole? Because mine is very large.
Saturday: I don’t know.

Drew: Seriously, my buddy in high school said I had a pussy on a stick.
Saturday: I don’t know.

Drew: What is the fucking point of cauliflower?
Saturday: I don’t know.

Drew: Don’t you think they should invent some kind of hybrid dildo/pogo stick? I bet it would sell a shitload.
Saturday: No.

Drew: I even trademarked a name for it. Are you ready? Pogo Dick.
Saturday: That’s dumb.

Drew: Ever picture Billy Crystal fucking someone? It’s really disturbing.
Saturday: No.

Drew: Don’t all Skittles taste stale to you? Because they do to me.
Saturday: I don’t eat candy.

Drew: Do you think Helen Mirren will take home the Oscar? I heard she’s a lock.
Saturday: I don’t know.

Drew: Any truth to the rumor you once murdered twelve people in a liquor store robbery?
Saturday: I’ve never heard that. It’s untrue.

Drew: Seriously? Because I read it on Pro Football Talk and they’re never wrong.
Saturday: It is untrue.

Drew: If I started singing, “Open the door, get on the floor! Everybody walk the dinosaur!” would that annoy you?
Saturday: Yes.

Drew: Ever make popovers? Fucking yummy.
Saturday: No.

Drew: Will you kiss me?
Saturday: No.

Drew: I brought Cinnamon Binaca.
Saturday: No.

Drew: I like a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings: at least two pair. A Fendi bag and a bad attitude. That’s all I need to get me in a good mood. Jeffrey Saturday, will you be my around-the-way girl?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Jeff, thanks again for talking to us, and good luck on Sunday.
Saturday: Thanks.