Don’t you remember the good ol’ days? I sure do.
I remember the days before NFL coverage was touchdown-commercial-kickoff-commercial. I remember when the games didn’t seem so long. I remember Keith Jackson and Don Meredith in the booth. I remember when Chris Berman actually had hair on all sides of his head. And I remember when all of the players used to be animated beer bottles.
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As part of our Super Bowl coverage, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with the occasional player or two. For the Colts, it’s starting center Jeff Saturday.
Big Daddy Drew: Jeff, thanks for sitting down with us.
Jeff Saturday: My pleasure.
Drew: I understand Peyton Manning has a thumb injury. Do you think he feels more comfortable going into the Super Bowl with a built-in excuse?
Saturday: No.
Drew: You bend over regularly in front of Manning. Does he ever make you wear a jersey with “Chesney” stitched on the back?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Are you happy Manning got to the Super Bowl? It took a lot of work for you guys, but you finally got him in the position to hog all the credit.
Saturday: I’m very happy for Peyton.
Drew: Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith will be coaching against one another on Sunday. How much are they like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls?
Saturday: They’re nothing like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls.
Drew: Won’t it be bittersweet for Tony to win the Super Bowl because he didn’t beat a white coach? I mean, it’s almost like it doesn’t count.
Saturday: It counts the same.
Drew: Reggie Wayne went to Miami. How much has he taught you about the improper handling of firearms?
Saturday: Reggie doesn’t own a gun.
Drew: Marvin Harrison: Born without a tongue?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Because that happens, like to that one kid in Christmas Vacation.
Saturday: Marvin can talk.
Drew: Joseph Addai went to LSU. When the United Way forces you to go read to illiterate kids, does he join the class?
Saturday: Joe can read.
Drew: You scored a touchdown last week. Any bonus pussy for that?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Rob Morris is a Mormon. Does he ever stare into his helmet for five minutes and then tell you he was talking to the Lord?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Then smile like a really fucking creepy smile at you?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Do you use only plastic silverware around Nick Harper?
Saturday: No.
Drew: I’m tired of asking you football questions. Mind if I just ask you about random shit?
Saturday: Yes.
Drew: Who likes Trident? I do! I do!
Saturday: It’s okay.
Drew: Is there a biological term for the male dickhole? Because mine is very large.
Saturday: I don’t know.
Drew: Seriously, my buddy in high school said I had a pussy on a stick.
Saturday: I don’t know.
Drew: What is the fucking point of cauliflower?
Saturday: I don’t know.
Drew: Don’t you think they should invent some kind of hybrid dildo/pogo stick? I bet it would sell a shitload.
Saturday: No.
Drew: I even trademarked a name for it. Are you ready? Pogo Dick.
Saturday: That’s dumb.
Drew: Ever picture Billy Crystal fucking someone? It’s really disturbing.
Saturday: No.
Drew: Don’t all Skittles taste stale to you? Because they do to me.
Saturday: I don’t eat candy.
Drew: Do you think Helen Mirren will take home the Oscar? I heard she’s a lock.
Saturday: I don’t know.
Drew: Any truth to the rumor you once murdered twelve people in a liquor store robbery?
Saturday: I’ve never heard that. It’s untrue.
Drew: Seriously? Because I read it on Pro Football Talk and they’re never wrong.
Saturday: It is untrue.
Drew: If I started singing, “Open the door, get on the floor! Everybody walk the dinosaur!” would that annoy you?
Saturday: Yes.
Drew: Ever make popovers? Fucking yummy.
Saturday: No.
Drew: Will you kiss me?
Saturday: No.
Drew: I brought Cinnamon Binaca.
Saturday: No.
Drew: I like a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings: at least two pair. A Fendi bag and a bad attitude. That’s all I need to get me in a good mood. Jeffrey Saturday, will you be my around-the-way girl?
Saturday: No.
Drew: Jeff, thanks again for talking to us, and good luck on Sunday.
Saturday: Thanks.
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Well, we’ve been waiting ALL WEEK for this Super Bowl, and today it’s finally arrived. I’m so excited. It’s like Christmas, only without the bittersweet rememberance of dead family members. Finally, the fucking Super Bowl is here!
What? It’s not today? You mean I gotta wait a whole other fucking week for this fucking game? Jesus. Way to take a cue from college football, NFL. It may as well be the offseason already. I don’t even LIKE these teams. The only fan who needed two weeks to figure out how to get to the Super Bowl was the girl with tits for brains in the post below. Oh, thank God she made it.
What am I supposed to do now? Watch college basketball? With no money involved?
Fuck me, bro.
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Yeah, so this whole Sarah Spain (above, left) story really has been a contemporary reprisal of the classic “Girl Whores Herself Out On eBay To Score Super Bowl Tickets And Maybe Some National Media Face Time That Might Tip The Scales Toward Getting A Callback Or Two When She Starts Reading For Roles In Jerry Bruckheimer Movies This Summer” Tale. Fortunately, the one loose end on this sumbitch seems to have been tied up.
Since our last post on the subject, The Spain Train tried eBay again and the page was yanked in a matter of hours. But then somebody on the corporate end came through and she scored four(!) tickets for the big game. Ah, if only I could be young and top-heavy again.
So she’s taking two friends and is now ACCEPTING solicitations for the 4th ticket. The qualifications are here, and I know for fact that at least one KSK contributor has plans to throw his hat in the ring (Hint: it’s not Drew). The email address for submitting your picture and your pitch is hotsuperbowldate@hotmail.com.
If you’re trying to put together that perfect pitch and having trouble, we suggest you try out a rough draft of that pitch in the comments.
Submissions are due by January 31st.
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Mel gets his looks from my better half, Eva Braun.The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Next up, religious zealot and father of Mel, Hutton Gibson!
The Super Bowl–the biggest threat to moral Catholics since the Jews confabulated the “Holocaust”. Not surprisingly this scourge was perpetuated by heretics and heathens. Every year millions of Americans waste away worshiping false idols instead of spending the day in God’s House praying for Judgement Day’s arrival. I’ll smile when they are all burning in eternal hellfire–especially that Peyton Manning. I think you know how I feel about the sodomites.
I don’t care for Lovie Smith. I don’t have anything in particular against the blacks but this one thinks he’s a bit too clever. Well I have something to tell you Mr. Smith, I once won $150,000,000 on Jeopardy in 1908 and I wasn’t born until 1918…Gloria in Excelsis Deo!
All I ever hear about the Tony Dungy is what a fine upstanding Christian he is. BLASPHEMER! That heathen doesn’t understand the true meaning of the word, he should try doing it my way. Even I don’t always understand my own mass, I took communion 333 times last week (I’m also an obsessive compulsive alcoholic). That amateur is no better than the Koran kissers in the Vatican.
What’s with this Rex Grossman, they say he isn’t a Jew but I can pick up his scent from here…it’s like musk mixed with goat’s blood and whitefish.
As for the game itself, I’ll be praying for a flood that would drown Noah himself–Jew. If you really must make me choose I’ll take the Colts 31-21…because I’m a craziest asshole alive. Now I have to go drink this liter of urine while cutting myself to The Passion.
Thanks, Hutton! We’ll have more celebrity picks as we approach the big game!
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We’re a bunch of white dudes writing this blog (Sorry, Unsilent Majority: Jewish is white). And whether we like it or not, we too often feature hot cheerleaders that share our skin tone (although it’s hard to find a cheerleader with my unique brand of pale). Granted, most NFL cheeleaders are white, too, but that’s no excuse. You deserve some diversity. And today, you get some.
Let’s start things off by getting an early jump on Black History Month:
And here’s a Hispanic Niners cheerleader. Guaranteed to be 70% more insane than your average white cheerleader!
One of the Dolphins girls. I have no clue what race she is specifically… but she probably does math better than I do.
And finally…
How is she a minority? Well, I heard that she DOESN’T have drunken lesbian sex in public restrooms. Prude.
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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition; one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Next up, the McLaughlin Group!
McLaughlin: ISSUE NUMBAH ONE! Days away from its biggest game, what is the most pressing issue facing the NFL. Pat Buchanan!
Pat: Illegal immigration. The invasion of Mexicans into the NFL shows that the US has been unable to maintain the integrity of our borders. Just when we thought we were free from the specter of undesirables like the pederast Rafael Septien and the vile, lawless Zendejas gang. The game itself is under attack by an insidious foreign element. WAKE UP AMERICA! Today Mexicans are kickers, tomorrow they will be quarterbacks. I blame NAFTA!
McLaughlin: QUESTION! One a scale of zero to ten, zero being an impossibility, ten being a mortal certainty, how much does game-day coaching affect they outcome of the Super Bowl. Tony Blankley!
Tony: Good question, John–
McLaughlin: Tony, please don’t make be regret my decision to include you in this discussion. You know what I mean… your predilection for wearing bright pink shirts, your vaguely-Fuddish voice… I doubt you’ve so much as seen a football game before. Know this, Tony: if Buchanan says the word and you are out on the street praying Fox News will overlook your studied foppery and put your sorry ass on the air.
Tony: Uh, sure John. Coaching is vitally important on game day, John. To illustrate, if Marv Levy had committed to strategic augmentation of 20,000 additional Buffalo Bills into the waning moments of Super Bowl XXVII, then the Cowboys wouldn’t have blown them out 52-17. Don’t get me wrong, Buffalo still would have lost badly, it just would have been politically more palatable, especially since–
McLaughlin (interrupting): ISSUE NUMBAH TWO. The Colts are a seven point favorite. Will they emerge victorious? Eleanor Clift!
Eleanor: John, I could give two shits who wins the Super Bowl! I just wanna go down to Miami and party my ass off! Hillary 2008, bitches! Clintons are gonna be back up in the White Hizzy, mutha-fuckas!
Tony: (clears throat softly)
Eleanor (screeching): EXCUSE ME, TONY, EXCUSE ME! MAY I PLEASE FINISH TALKING?!? As I was saying, I hope to meet that Grossman boy I’ve heard so much about. He can knock the dust of my vag-jay-jay anytime, John!
McLaughlin: Ahhhh, PREDICTIONS!
Pat: Bears win 34-27/ The decline of Western culture continues unabated.
Tony: Colts twent-
McLaughlin (interrupting): And Eleanor?
Eleanor: I predict I wind up somewhere on South Beach snorting lines off of Pac Man Jones’ junk. Y’hear that Pat and Tony, you fat fuck! I love the dick! Just because I wear these hideous pantsuits every week, doesn’t mean that I lez out!
McLaughlin: I predict the Colts win because of Alan “The Horse” Ameche, while I drink a fifth of Irish whiskey and rue my decision to leave the priesthood. Bye-BYE!!!
What is that beast, that crazy beast?
Thanks, Mr. McLaughlin! We’ll have more celebrity picks as we approach the big game!
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And now for the anticlimactic finish to our NFC Championship Chat. If you missed it, you can read Part One here.
Christmas Ape: Jean Grey is meowing at the falling snow. Cats are almost as dumb as Rex Grossman.
Captain Caveman: They’re better at feeling a blindside rush.
Ape: The chimney sweep look.***flubby has left the room.***
MMP: Baby gifts beckon.
[3rd and 8: Grossman overthrow. Bears punt. Commercial.]
CC: I fucking hate you, Wendy’s.
MMP: I would punch that gentleman in his nose.
CC: EAT THE WHOLE TINY CHEESEBURGER!
CC: And who eats fast food in the library?
MMP: That whole meal is like 3/4 of a bite.
[With the Saints backed up at their 12, Reggie Bush makes a catch, and...]
Ape: Goodnight.
MMP: No.
MMP: Fucking.
MMP: Way.
CC: Holy shit.
MMP: Don’t dance, ass.
CC: Me want watch again.
MMP: He had to do a stupid dance.
MMP: And the taunt and the flip?
CC: Yeah, I hate the taunt.
MMP: Dude made an AWESOME run, why does he have to do that shit?
CC: That’s a disgusting act and I want Joe Buck to pass judgment on it.
MMP: Joe liked the flip.
MMP: I’m not super pissed about it.
MMP: I just don’t get it.
MMP: I’m gonna shut up.
CC: Good idea.
[After the ensuing kickoff, Thomas Jones gets tackled by Will Smith for a 2-yard loss.]
CC: That thing we’re feeling? It’s the momentum changing.
Ape: Will Smith doesn’t get a “Going to Miami” song montage? Fox is terrible.
CC: That tackle was FRESH.
CC: Nice backfield Pursuit of Happyness.
MMP: My dad HATES Will Smith.
MMP: Parents just don’t understand.
[Saints ball. They begin driving with the secret weapon of fullback Mike Karney]
CC: Small hands, smells like cabbage.
MMP: Karney PWNS the Bears’ D right now.
Flub: WTF is wrong with the Bears’ D?
MMP: They’re going underneath.
CC: Bears D is OK, it’s the Saints O that had adjusted.
MMP: Yep.
[Just as quickly, the drive stalls on the edge of FG territory.]
CC: Grossmanesque overthrow there.
CC: Nice throw “Rex.”
MMP: Cundiff will attempt the 47-yarder…
CC: miss
flub: no way
MMP: miss
[Cundiff misses short and right.]
CC: That was like the Oceans 11 scene: “Ten bucks says he shorts it.”
MMP: That hurts.
CC: Saints have still got momentum… but momentum and the lead would be nicer.
MMP: Bears need a big drive here.
[FOX shows Grossman's stats so far...]
MMP: Rexy 4/17.
CC: Niiiice.
[Not surprisingly, the Bears punt. Sean Maynard drops a 51-yarder out of bounds at the 5.]
MMP: Maynard!
Ape: MVP for Bears? Maynard or Gould?
CC: Somebody who kicks the ball.
MMP: Maynard punts more accurately than Grossman throws it.
CC: That commercial was HOTT.
flub: Playing hoops in an airplane hanger, I don’t get it.
CC: Neither do I, but it made me want to read some NBA blogs.
[Brees intentional grounding in the end zone: safety, 18-14, Bears]
MMP: MO
MMP: mentum
CC: BREES BLOWS.
MMP: Walk like an Egyptian.
CC: Credit Maynard with one of those two points
CC: And why didn’t the Saints even TRY to run there?
Ape: well, my final score prediction for this game was 17-14 Bears, so long as no one scores again, I was close.
MMP: Here comes the snow!!!!!!
[Note: at this time, commenter "R" said, "That's not snow...it's frozen load." Nice work.]
[A Maynard 66 yd punt barely goes into end zone]
CC: Maynard out of magic there.
MMP: AAWWWWWWW Maynard!!!!
MMP: More backspin on that one next time. Shoulda hit the lob wedge.
CC: That dude’s really good.
MMP: He’s a motherfucking SNIPER!
[Bears ball again after a Saints punt. Grossman begins his 4-for-4 touchdown drive...]
MMP: Grossman completion # 5.
CC: What is that, 5 for 20 now?
MMP: I’m still rooting for Sex Cannon vs. Laser Rocket Arm SB.
CC: Orton’s wasted.
[end of third quarter]
[More completions from Rextasy...]
MMP: Rex just woke up.
CC: Settle down, we still haven’t seen a Grossman INT yet.
Ape: Aikman is trying to jinx Rex into a pick.
MMP: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
CC: No WAY.
flub: Oof.
MMP: Get the fuck out!
CC: B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
MMP: I just spilled my shitty soda all over the floor.
CC: New Orleans Saints, you’ve been cannonized.
MMP: Payton is displeased.
CC: Fred Thomas looked like Dave Thomas on that coverage.
flub: Wendy’s Dave Thomas of SCTV Dave Thomas?
Ape: “The snow isn’t the only white stuff in your face.”
MMP: He severely underthrew him, but Rex celebrates anyway.
[The Bears DE with the long name sacks and strips Brees. We trade some boring banter. During the review, FOX goes to commercial...]
MMP: Mischa Barton looks terrible these days.
[Back from commercial, and...]
MMP: Somebody tell that robot he’s never gonna play.
CC: But he’s loose, he’s ready to get in the game.
[The ref is adamant in his judgment to back up Chicago on the fumble]
MMP: “Clearly.”
Ape: Recovered CLEARLY… Snooty bastard.
flub: Which one of the KSK geniuses predicted Bears 24 Saints 13?
MMP: That was you, flub.
CC: Game ain’t over yet Nostradamus.
CC: The Saints still have time to blow the Bears out and make me correct.
[Benson scores from 12 yards out. Bears, 32-14, 11:30 to play.]
MMP: Game over.
CC: Game over.
flub: Whoopass.
[Two plays later, Brees gets intercepted.]
Ape: OK, it’s extra over now.
CC: The Saints should just walk off the field and commit seppuku in the locker room.
MMP: Habitat for Humanity took the 1-1/2.
MMP: Suckers.
Ape: It’s tequila time so I can get in angry mood for AFC title game.
MMP: I don’t see Reggie dancing now.
MMP: Ghost Rider?
CC: Eh.
MMP: Me too.
flub: That has to suck.
CC: Yes Eva Mendes, no Nic Cage.
MMP: Cage doesn’t do it for me.
CC: He sucks four out of five movies, then gives you a Leaving Las Vegas or Adaptation.
flub: Raising Arizona.
CC: He’s the Plaxico Burress of actors.
Ape: I interviewed Cage, Spike Jonze, and Charlie Kaufman for Adaptation for my college paper. Nic Cage just sat there for 20 minutes. They all signed the press kit though. Should probably sell that on the eBays.
[More sideline shots mean the action on the field is less important.]
Ape: Nice chap stick on Mike Brown.
flub: Mike Brown is killing that lip balm.
flub: He used at least half the tube.
Ape: Got herpes from the Sex Cannon.
flub: “Rex looks randy, better slather on another coat.”
[Thomas Jones scores from 15 yards. 39-14, Bears.]
MMP: Thomas Jones reversing field to humiliate the Saints even further.
CC: Announcers giving the N.O. requiem
MMP: Lovie Smith doesn’t care about….whatever
flub: Somebody call FEMA.
CC: Nobody could have predicted the white linebackers wouldn’t hold up.
MMP: Nobody outside of this chat, that is.
flub: No shit, this ain’t the Big 10.
CC: Who predicted a 38-13 score?
CC: Oh yeah, I’ve still got it.
[FOX cuts to Bears owner Virginia McCaskey.]
flub: Is she wearing a bear?
CC: I’d hit it.
MMP: With a shovel, perhaps.
[And finally, the the people of New Orleans's suffering comes to a close...]
flub: The Fridge is waiting by the phone — he’ll be cashing in on the nostalgia.
CC: “We have to give credit to Rex Grossman” — Troy Aikman
MMP: I respectfully disagree.
MMP: It will be an adjustment for me as a viewer, going back to a domed stadium.
MMP: And taking off the 5/8 cleats.
FINAL: BEARS 39, SAINTS 14
Coming this weekend: the long-anticipated AFC Chat. Stick around. We know you don’t have football to watch.
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Taking a page from the ESPN/HBO/MTV insufferable self-whoring playbook, I should probably tell you we’ve been nominated for Best Sports Blog at the 2007 Bloggies. You can vote here:
2007.bloggies.com
Apparently, this is the most prestigious award in blogging, which is like winning an award for Smallest Penis Among Railroad Timetable Collectors. And, speaking of penises and superlatives, here’s a pic of Keeley Hazell to win your vote.
Also, I did an interview with the Chicago Sports Review. You can read it here. (Note the cover of the issue! Rextasy goes mainstream!) Not enough dick jokes for my taste in that interview. I have quite the taste for dick. Wait, that came out wrong…
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If you have 20 minutes to carve out somewhere, watch this clip of Kevin Smith talking about working on “Superman” as a screenwriter. In 20 minutes, Smith manages to be more entertaining than pretty much all of his films combined. And then doubled. And then doubled once more. And then doubled one more time. The guy’s not a filmmaker. He’s a fucking standup. Someone missed their true calling.
Your meast of the AFC title game, one of the best games I have ever seen or will ever see, is Pey… PSYCH! It’s Bob Sanders of the Colts!
Oh, Peyton. You got your due already. You’re a dork again. Bob Sanders makes the Colts’ D good, as opposed to shitty. And he did some measty hitting all game long. Nice job, Bob. IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
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