F–k It. I’m Throwing It Downfield.
Is that Berrian? I think he’s triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I’m throwing it downfield.
Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I’m fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can’t, I bet I’ll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.
What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.
Okay, I’m throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.
Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn’t one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I’m gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I’m gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is Rex Grossman we’re talking about here. We’re talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I’m not just a gunslinger. I’m a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I’ll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I’m gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it’s worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That’s how we do things in the sexy business.
Tell me you’re not turned on right now. I am.
Tags: Uncategorized
November 27th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
What in God’s name did you have for breakfast, Drew? You’ve already had two more big plays than Rex and Eli combined.
November 27th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
Rexy’s trying to hard to compensate for his “small hands”.
November 27th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
I am crying right now.
I so want to frame this, but work frowns upon your phrasing.
November 27th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
When Al Davis says that your team relies on the pass too much, you know you have problems.
Here’s Bears play calling-
run
BOMB!!!
Rex walks off the field shaking his head.
I imagine the huddle as the receiver runs in the play “Split right Run over 2…”
Rex head turns red and starts to shake and foam starts to come out of his mouth and he screams
” FUCK THAT SHIT! Go deep you speedy muthafuckahs! Muhammad keep your slow geraitric ass out of the way. BREAK!”
November 27th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Drew is my hero
November 27th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
“I wanna be like Rex.”
November 27th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
Kevin Spacey gay. Love it.
November 27th, 2006 at 4:06 pm
When did you guys become The Onion?
November 27th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Even Jay Mariotti’s panties get moist with talk like that, BDD.
November 27th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
I am pestering a fantasy league mate with these in-depth looks into the psyches of these “NFL Starters”…he has both and is not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs…yet.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
Can we get a hat trick and bash Jake Delhomme too?
Riding arabian horses with Jake? gay.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
My spleen feels like Chris Simms’ after the Panthers game.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
And here I thought Kevin Spacey was like Rex Grossman gay.
I stand cor-rex-ed.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
FUCK ALL YOU GROSSMAN HATERS, REX’S RECORD 14-6 BITCHES. ALSO REX IS 6TH IN TD’S AND ONLY NEEDS 3 TD’S TO TIE THE LEAGUE. STILL BETTER THAN THAT GAY FUCK ELI, MORE YARDS MORE TD AND LESS INTS!!!! SO FUCK ALL U GROSSMAN HATERS.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
ladies and gentlemen, your poet laureate
November 27th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
The best part is that Rex — I’m assuming it was Rex Grossman — registered with Blogger solely to leave that comment.
November 27th, 2006 at 6:44 pm
Is it okay that I reserved jaybuttler.blogspot.com? This Tony Homo thing is getting way out of hand.
Loved the two posts this morning. They gave me that uneasy “wait, are my work computers monitored by management?” feeling.
Oh, and this kid is proof that Pittsburgh should bombed, Dresden-style.
November 27th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
As a Bear fan, I will take the cumslinger over Hutchinson/Quinn/Krenzel/Stewart/Orton anyday.
Brilliant work drew!
November 27th, 2006 at 9:23 pm
steve spurrier’s dick is growing with every deep ball. sorta like pinnochio. but different.
November 27th, 2006 at 11:49 pm
Zach is right — a little bit of Spurrier’s Fun-n-Gun lives on in Sexy Rexy.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:11 am
Grossman might have a good record this season..but that fuckwit screwed the living shit out of one of my fantasy teams,minus points don’t cut it mutha fucka. Fuck him in the ass with a very large,splintered pole..twice even.
Ok, I feel A LOT better now. Thanks Drew for giving me the incentive to write this diatribe.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:46 am
Ok, let’s leave poor Rex alone now. Favre is doing a bang-up job of adding a whole bunch of Seahawks to his favorite receivers list.
Go Brett!
November 28th, 2006 at 1:18 am
After having to watch that damn game, I really needed this post.
Thank you Drew.
November 28th, 2006 at 2:04 am
Sexy Rexy is a Gator, not a dragon
he would have won if he could breathe fire
November 28th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
so you hate rex because he doesn’t do well enough for your fantasy team? people bitching about fantasy football ruins real football.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
yeah but people that don’t bitch about fantasy football probably have AIDS.
November 28th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
People bitching about fantasy football ruins real football? I thought it was Michael Irvin and John Mellencamp.
November 28th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
I read that Grossman’s jersey is currently the seventh-best seller in the league. I know Bears fans are a loyal bunch, but I find it hard to believe there are that many people willing to pay good money for a jersey with “GROSSMAN” on the back.
Come on, that was the name of the fat douche cop from “CHiPs.” Show some self respect, people.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Sexy Rexy needs to have a hot curling iron shoved up his ass.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
People bitching about fantasy football ruins real football? I thought it was Michael Irvin and John Mellencamp.
You forgot about Toby Keith.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:02 am
This has got to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read. I’ve read this 3 times and each time was laughing out loud. Now that I know about this site, I will be back everyday to entertain myself and my FANTASY FOOTBALL PEEPS.
Sexy Rexy Cumslinger is utterly fuckin’ hilarious. BRILLIANT.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:10 am
Rex Gross should have been benched sometime in the middle of the Arizona game, and if we didn’t have a Dusty Baker wannabe for a coach, he would have. Brian Griese may not be flashy, but with this defense you should be able to win with Kyle Orton. Rex Gross snatches defeat from the jaws of victory and I for one wouldn’t care if he played one more snap for us.
November 30th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
OMG, that’s some funny shit. Clever and dirty — just the way I like it. =)I would come up with something similar for my own Jake Plummer, but he just lost his job.
November 30th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Great post, thank God I didn’t start that douchebag in fantasy. I was smart and started Delhomme against the Skins…..oh wait
November 30th, 2006 at 6:25 pm
Rex only has big stats in games where the Bears blow teams out. How did he fare in the three close games against the Jets, Vikings and Arizona? I’ll go one step further and ask how he fared in the two losses. More shitty than the three close games. He’s a little guy with Napolion syndrome and that is why he needs to throw the ball down field so freakin’ much. He should try to throw the ball to the correct side of the receiver. Here are his stats for the three close games, the two losses and the six blowout wins
3 Close games
48% Comp/180 yds pass/2 TD/6 INT/52.17rating
2 Losses
43% comp/193 yds pass/1 TD/6 INT/30.2 rating
6 blowout wins
65% comp/244 yds pass/15 TD/2 INT/115.23 rating
As you can see, when it counts, Rex can’t get it up!!
December 1st, 2006 at 1:47 am
Finally someone knows exactly how RRRRRexy feels. Is there an end zone in the flats??? HELL 2 DA NAW!!! The end zone is fuckin’ straight ahead and deep and thats the only thing I see.
Some “experts” call it “tunnel vision”. But I guess thats what you develop when your job through the week is a gyno.
December 2nd, 2006 at 5:17 am
fuck stats and fuck fantasy rex is a winner hands down. when was the last time a bears quaterback was 9-2, the 2001 bears with the dynamic duo of Jim Miller and Shane Matthews. And to all you fake ass bears fans out there i bet you are all sucking grossmans dick when the bears win.
December 2nd, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Drew, you are a sick M-Fer. Enjoy all this while you can. You must be very young, because you don’t remember the bad years, even when Payton was there.You are probably a packer fan in disguise!
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Wow.. Harsh words from some people here. I believe that Rex Grossman is going to be the reason the Bears will be 1 and done again this year. Rex play is horrible and Lovie should have followed the Vikings Move and got to the backup Griese. I have been a Rex supporter since the day we drafted him. So I’m not a bandwagon jumper, but a change at QB is needed. Grant this is Rex’s first full season as a starter but he has regressed all season long. The passes to Berrian are sweet but the two losses are Rex’s fault and the he is dangerously close to losing more games for us. He better sprint off the field and get in the locker room and get his shit together.
Let him think on the BENCH!!!
Check out my thoughts on http://wherehaveallthechampionsgone.blogspot.com/
December 4th, 2006 at 8:23 pm
dude think about the fututre, grex is our guy, think about it, hes almost like a rookie, he hasnt played that many games due to all those injuries but making a switch in a QB now would be retarted since theres only 4 games left. How bout you let him get the expierence (were automatically in the playoffs dumbasses) i wouldnt care if we finished 10-6 in the regular season, as long as we make it to the superbowl
December 4th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
sry bout the spelling but w/e you know what im saying
December 6th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
As you can see, when it counts, Rex can’t get it up!!
It’s almost like when he does poorly the bears play close games and when he does well they blow people out…
Looks like somebody never fully grasped the concept of causality.
December 6th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Gee mister. I’m the kid in the wheelchair. I’ve got polio and genital herpes. Please don’t hit me in the face! You’ll knock all my teeth out and then no girl is very gonna want to kiss me. Please mister!
January 10th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
That’s crazy stuff, Dude!
I dunno who that Rex guy is throwing the football for the NFL Bears in Chicago, but my name is Tex and I look just like him! I bet if you read my Space you’d like me 302 times more than that Boner-job!
Ha!
BoomCannon!
myspace.com/texchapman
January 25th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
eli manning, gay. G-REX TO THE SUPER BOWL FUCK THE HATERS! SLANG THEM BOMBS ALL DAY LET THEM BITCHES KNOW
January 30th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
all the goddamn bears fans out there are fucken idiots…and that includes myself…ask any lions fans out there and they would kill for a quartback as good as grossman….it is ridiculous how a quarterback in his first season playin as good as grossman is this year is takin this much shit from the fans…every quarterback in the game has bad games at times, even peyton manning and tom brady, believe it or not, and do u see patriots and colts fans saying that they should bring in the backup….jesus crist give the man some credit…yeah he is playing with a great defense, but that makes his bad games better than bradys and mannings…maybe he isnt as good as either one of them, but he has more wins than both of those quarterbacks in their first full seasons COMBINED….layoff the man and actually root for him to play well, rather than expect disaster week after week, and when he does play well, dont give me the bullshit that its because the defense gives him the edge….i hated on him, but now i look at it realistically and he could become something great…just stop the bullshit remarks…PLEASE!!!
February 1st, 2007 at 12:13 am
I’m last here. I’m Grossman’s #1 fan.
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Touchdown!!
Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown.
You’re the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:10 am
ill give a stat for all you rex fans…. he shows up to 50% of the games with a vagina between his probably shaved legs. and ironically enough, that pussy of his shows up when he’s on his back foot, which is his favorite position. griese couldnt do better. after tonights loss, griese is probably on his knees in the “im ready to take a sac” position. regardless of how many fucking games he won in the past, he fucked us tonight. and just for that…i think everyone can literally and metaphorically say …. “Fuck Rex Grossman”….we all hate you and go give griese that sac he wants.
February 6th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
@grasshopp3r
Wow you are a tool. I hope you cried your gay ass to sleep on Sunday night. As I told all the slightly queer bears fans around here “they aren’t that good… they just came from the shitty NFC”. Turns out they are now all depressed because the delusions that they have been living with over the past season have finally crumbled to reveal the shining reality of how bad the bears SUCK ASS… not to mention how much the whole state of Illinois sucks!
Haha… Bear down… hehe… such a stupid song. You bears fans look retarded now. Way to be the biggest over confident ass-hats leading upto the Super Bowl. Most bears fans were actually already talking about “when the parade is going on…” Haha, there is a God… and he hates the Bears!
After further review, the bears still suck… and so do you.
February 6th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Rexy makes me feel like a natural woman. And I’m a dude.
February 9th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Great news
I hope everybody read this article
forex
February 18th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
This truly was one of the best things written all year in regards tot he NFL. And it became even more pertinent after the Super Bowl, during which threw it downfield with wreckless abandon. In fact, there’s even a facebook group devoted to it, of which you may or may not already be aware Drew:
http://nyu.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2225476237
February 28th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
You know how I know Rex is Gay?…..his profile says his favorite band is Coldplay and rumor has it he has a framed Asia poster in his bedroom.
How’s that Johnny?
July 22nd, 2007 at 12:31 am
I love the Forex. That’s some great information.
Forex Signals | Forex Trading Made Easy | Forex Trading System | Best Forex Training
September 21st, 2007 at 10:21 am
Feel free to visit for your daily dose of sex, madness and pure fun:
http://bizarrejapan.blogspot.com/
November 8th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
LOL. He does have nice hands, you know…
November 11th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
The Dragon is back
November 16th, 2007 at 2:10 am
Yeah sexy Rexy is back and looking good when he lets the long ball fly.
I might be dreaming but i believe that rex needed to be benched just so that he could sit back and realise what he had.
Now he will come out like he did on Sunday and be paitient but when he see’s the chance he will pick a defense apart with that arm of his.
Rex im in Sydney Australia and i can feel the spark that you have given your team and Town.
and by the way all you Rex haters i bet you will be licking the sweat off his balls when he takes Da Bears to the playoff’s
Go Da Bears
April 17th, 2008 at 5:03 am
[...] Bear: Rex “The Sex Cannon” Grossman (Sexy, Showed signs of promise but ultimately [...]
April 18th, 2008 at 9:23 am
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June 2nd, 2008 at 7:29 am
[...] lot like Rex Grossman’s stat line: nothing but long balls (if you didn’t understand that, look here and don’t read it at work). I thought FIFA couldn’t do anything worse than making Jack Warner a [...]
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
[...] Kyle Orton does not pay for alcohol and will only drink from wounded soldiers. -Quarterback Rex Grossman will only call you back if you’re a “screamer”. -Running back Kevin Jones’s ankle is made [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
[...] funny thing happened. My fourth wife came up to me in June. And she said to me, “Rex, you’re a cumslinger. You need to go sling some cum, and get my gash gushin’.” Then I talked to my 33 illegitimate [...]
August 7th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
[...] years playing for a team I root for. So, with Favre heading to the not-Bears, I’m happy. Yes, Rexstacy and Neckbeard Orton are not striking fear into anyone’s heart, but at least they’re [...]
August 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
[...] Sexy Rexy Grossman: Before you react like that, read this article. Now, try and justify not picking him 1st overall. Another good Fantasy team name: The Sex [...]
August 19th, 2008 at 2:20 am
[...] again, Grossman is probably more famous for being the Sex Cannon than for his ability to pass a football. So it’s not inconceivable that Orton could win [...]