Dennis Green will not return to the Cardinals next season.

Oh my God this is shocking. This blows my fucking mind. I knew Bruce Willis was dead halfway through The Sixth Sense, and I had a feeling about 9/11, but this… This. Wow. I did not see this coming, not after the Monday night meltdown where the Bears didn’t even need an offensive touchdown to mount a huge comeback, and certainly not after losing to the Raiders.

The firing I can understand. But cutting his arms off seems a bit draconian.

Really, all that the Cardinals can play for now is pride. But seeing as how they don’t have any pride, they’ll have to settle for losing out and getting the #1 draft pick.

The Buzzsaw is reportedly looking for a replacement, and the early favorite is Steve Mariucci. If they can’t get Mariucci, they’ll settle for anybody who sucks between one-third and three-fourths as much as Green. So Mike Martz is probably on the list.

Happy Thanksgiving, Denny. This year, you should be thankful that you lasted as long as you did. And also Fishing Across America. But we’re all thankful for Fishing Across America.

p.s. Anybody who picked the Cards for the playoffs this year: stand up and let us mock you now. You know who you are.