Finally this damnable week has come to an end! For me this is the hardest week of the entire year, when the Redskins have a bye week everything else in life seems to take twice as long. I can’t tell you how happy I will be to drive home from work tonight. There’s a lot to get done over the next few days, tomorrow I’m actually going to have to buy all the elements of my Halloween costume. After much deliberation I’ve settled on the favorite costume of my favorite football player. Come Saturday night’s annual Nightmare on M Street (a raucous DC bar crawl) you might just catch a glimpse of the return of Southeast Jerome (if anybody knows where I can find the proper wig should send me an email asap).

As you all know it’s not the men’s costumes that everybody fawns over (so there’s no point in trying too hard); the best costumes always belong to the lovely ladies. If you go out this weekend (you fucking better!) you’re sure to see a healthy dose of slutty cats, slutty nurses, and slutty sluts. Of course nothing can ever top the ultimate Halloween costume…the slutty cheerleader!!! Well for all the ladies out there (I’m looking at you Becky sandwich) we’re proud to offer some sexy Halloween inspiration.

Her name is Adrienne and she’s one of the sexiest pieces of ass on the sexiest damn cheerleading squad in the entire league. As much as I loathe everything that is Philadelphia (especially the Iggles) even I cannot question their superior shapeliness.

Although Adrienne is an old hag in cheerleading circles (six year veteran) she’s still got the body of a rookie. She’s also quite possibly the hottest woman to ever matriculate through the famed University of Delaware. As you all should know the blue hen is the sexiest fucking bird in the animal kingdom.

Have a great weekend, somebody will be hanging around to provide you with the occasional update so be sure to check in now and then. Seriously, we know where you live, so you better fucking show up!

As we learned from the Simpsons years ago, you don’t win friends with salad. Now it appears that McDonald’s may have made an enemy with their salad– in the form of Dallas assistant coach Todd Haley.

Haley and his family is suing McDonald’s for $1.7 million dollars after his wife and au pair (bow chicka wow wow) found a dead rat in their salad back in June. Haley had a much publicized run-in with Terrell Owens earlier this season.

“The dead rodent, believed to be a juvenile roof rat, was about 6 inches long and was found on its back with its mouth opened…”

Authorities are investigating the situation and noted that it appears that the rat died of an overdose of painkillers.

No chance something like this happens to Bill Parcells–
that tubby bastard hasn’t so much as looked at a salad in 25 years.

Welcome to the 8th edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I’ll be investing in when I’m hitting the ROOR after Saturday’s Nightmare on M Street.

(2 teams, 6 point tease)Another gentile in disguise

Chicago -10* vs. San Francisco
It’s the number one threat to America (Bears) taking on the number two threat to America (Gay Culture); this is going to be a viscous mauling.
Houston +9* at Tennessee
That’s right, I’m going right back into the deep end. I like this Houston team, and it’s not just because I love to say Wali Lundy (doesn’t hurt). His running will open up the field for Carr, the deceptive non-bust, to hit his fast and physical receivers. Tennessee licks donkey balls.

*both lines have been teased six points

Fellow studs The Big Lead have a telling interview up with Mike Silver of SI today. Silver talks about players who’d like to beat him up, but he also tells this story about Peter King at an SI pre-Super bowl lunch:

Peter is fretting over his Inside the NFL column and blurts out, “You know who I’d love to talk to? Ted Cottrell,” who was then the Bills’ defensive coordinator and the hot minority candidate for head coaching jobs. So we order and start talking about who’s doing what, and Peter’s phone rings right as the food comes, which kills him, but then he gets this big smile on his face and says, “Ted? How are ya?” Now, as we sit there gawking, Peter loudly launches into a discussion about the dearth of minority hires and is taking notes and clearly getting great stuff. It was a sight to behold. At one point, in mid-sentence, without even looking over at (David) Fleming, Peter seizes this large, personal pizza from Flem’s plate and takes a Fred Flinstone/brontosaurus burger bite. The tomato sauce is running down his chin and Peter, with his mouth full, is saying, “Ted, that is exactly why the system is so flawed!” Josh Elliott, who at the time was our young reporter at his first Super Bowl, was sitting there with his mouth wide open; the curtain had been pulled back on the Wizard of Oz. And then Peter does the most amazing thing. He asks a question that will surely produce a long answer, “Ted, give me the seven most overlooked minority-coaching candidates in football,” or something like that, and picks up Flem’s pizza again and starts devouring it.

Here’s what amuses me about this:

1) Silver seems to think this makes King look charming.

2) It makes King look like an even bigger douche than before.

Thanks to The Big Lead again. If you order Domino’s tonight, make sure Captain Fuckstick isn’t hiding in the bushes. Your suggestions for other things King might find appetizing welcome in the comments.

As is well documented in these pages, the Redskins went down like Chloe Sevingy in The Brown Bunny in Indy this past Sunday and our own Unsilent Majority was there to give us a ‘blow by blow’ report. In the aftermath, this much is clear: The Redskins suck. Big time.

The ‘Skins have clearly established themselves as the worst team in a crappy division. Their defense is woeful and their passing game is anemic. After getting housed by even the lowly Titans, it is painfully obvious to all but the most deluded of fans that the Redskins are done. This season, for all intents and purposes, is over, and it has been an abject failure. Blame can be spread far and wide. All involved should be summarily shot and buried in shallow, unmarked graves.

Some snarky wags would have you believe that this is some sort of instant karma for a dickhead owner who whoops it up with a Xenu-loving midget and his Stepford wife while making one of the loyalest fanbases walk a mile and a half because they would rather not pay $25 to park in the official Redskins parking lot. However, we at KSK prefer to save owner character-assassinations until after Thanksgiving– besides there is so much blame to throw around.

Much is made of offensive coodinator Al Saunders’ mythological five-volume 2,619 page playbook. Originally drafted by Hammurabi in 1720 B.C., the Redskins playbook is the cornerstone for all of Western jurisprudence. Hey Al, here’s a new one for your add– Brandon Lloyd runs down the field as fast as he can while the quarterback throws a pass of greater than 15 yards. Lloyd is the most pointless acquisition since Courtney Love bought her big fake tits.

Meanwhile, the Ghost of Joe Gibbs’ best suggestion to improve the underachieving offense has been to put on new driver’s side tires, lower the trackbar and taking a half-turn of wedge out of the right rear.

Much of the blame for the Redskins sad-sack performance can be placed on Mark Brunell. Brunell is the football equivalent of a Quaalude. Brunell apologists, bible-thumpers mostly, are quick to point out Brunell’s sterling completion percentage. Listen godwads, three-yard screens to Chris Cooley aren’t going to get you past the crappy Cowboys, let alone into the playoffs. If Brunell keeps this up, he may find himself getting forcibly sodomized by a Hogette. And by Hogette I mean Helen Thomas.

Not surprisingly, there is a growing clamor for Gibbs to give Jason Campbell a shot at QB. The ‘Skins have nothing to lose at this point. We aren’t sold on the proposition that Campbell is the answer to Washington’s QB problems. Campbell looked solid at Auburn. Of course when you have Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown in the backfield you probably could have Jason Street playing quarterback and no one would notice the difference. But Campbell, unlike Brunell, might actually get the ball downfield and utilize some of the wide receivers to whom Danny-Boy Snyder is paying a shit-ton of money.

Look at the bright side Mark, lots of desperate losers are getting run out of DC this fall. Maybe you can get some of them to help you move.

Yet not everything in DC is terrible. Is it Friday yet???

The Redskins have a lot of work to do, but that can wait. It’s time for some bye week fun over at the Redskins Fanhouse!

“Hey man.”

“Hey, buddy. What’s up.”

“Nuthin much, bro. Hey, do you wanna go play some BASEBALL?”

“Sure, man.”

“Allright.”

“Cool. Hey wait.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Look up there. That..”

“Oh, no. That looks like RAIN.”

“Dear me.”

“We can’t play baseball in THE RAIN.”

“No way, man. We’d get WET.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“Maybe THE RAIN WILL STOP.”

“Yeah. We should WAIT.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

TWO HOURS LATER

“Hey man.”

“Hey, buddy. What’s up.”

“Nuthin much, bro. Is it still raining?”

“Well, considering my shit is sopping wet, I believe it is.”

“No good, man. Hey, I’m rather drenched myself.”

“Yeah, we should have waited for the rain to stop INSIDE.”

“Or at least under a medium-sized awning.”

“I guess there will be no BASEBALL today.”

“What do we do now?”

“Let’s take off our wet clothes and play Madden.”

“Yeah. We should play Madden.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

In case you thought Terrell Owens was the most selfish douchebag on the Dallas Cowboys roster, I give you an absolutely hilarious quote from an AP story this week:

Drew Bledsoe doesn’t carry a clipboard, and he’s not into playing big brother. He’s either a starter or one unhappy veteran.

And good for him. When you throw back-breaking interceptions in multiple games and have all the mobility of an armoire, you clearly deserve to tear a team apart once you’ve been benched. Drew Bledsoe isn’t some dipshit Christian like Kurt Warner. Once you’ve benched him, you are fucking DEAD to him, Cowboys. You hear me? That man is a starter. A fucking starter.

Sure, he takes 45 seconds to throw a quick-hitch pass, but you Cowboy coaches don’t get it. Bledsoe is clearly scanning the field and probing the Giants defense to determine skeletal girth and muscle tone. It’s a new technique!

We mock what we don’t understand.

Anyway, Cowboy fans, Bill Parcells is reportedly giving the nod to Tony Romo to start for the Cowboys in Week 8. But, given Romo’s inconsistent performance in the second half Monday night, it may be fair to ask just which QB of yours is the lesser of two dipshits. And so, we break out the pro and con lists to determine once and for all…

Quien Es Mas Macho? Bledsoe O Romo?

Senor Bledsoe

Pros:
-Muy macho
-Muy fuerte
-Experienced veteran presence helps keep team calm in the face of multiple 4th quarter collapses
-Allegedly “spent the second half seething”, which means he really wants to play!
-Stopped playing good football over five years ago and now plays with nothing to lose
-Always healthy enough to play badly
-Utter lack of mobility means receivers know exactly where errant passes will be coming from
-Experienced enough to know when to take the sack. Repeatedly. Even on 4th down
-Strong relationship with Bill Parcells means he has a strong relationship with Bill Parcells
-Only QB who can make Terry Glenn seem useful.

Cons:
-Shitty
-May be dead
-Viejisimisimisimisimo
-Chingada tu madre
-Learned pouting skills at Washington State
-Isn’t Texan. Can’t be trusted.
-Plays for team that does not have Bill Belichick coordinating defense
-No le gusta audibles to running plays. No le gusta at all.

Senor Romo

Pros:
-Muy macho
-Muy joven
-Throws different kinds of interceptions
-Isn’t Drew Bledsoe
-Peter King has great, Danny Weurffelesque feeling about him
-Benching Bledsoe means one less former Patriot for Bill Simmons to use to somehow mention Patriots
-Praised for possessing mobility. Not possessing great mobility, but simply possessing it.
-Don Banks said Romo gives Cowboys the hope of the unknown. Which means that yes, he could be shitty. But the Cowboys already know Bledsoe is shitty. So Romo presents better odds of not being shitty

Cons:
-Possibly shitty
-Muy blanco
-Name reminds one of Ricky Roma, Tony Roma and Bill Romanowski simultaneously
-Didn’t take extensive Texas History course required in state’s retarded public school system
-Isn’t Texan. Can’t be trusted
-Once bought salsa that was made in NEW YORK CITY?!
-Isn’t married. May be queer like Aikman

Tough choices. But we at KSK don’t pussy out on the hard stuff. The clear winner of this battle is…

The Carolina Panthers.

I’m running the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday (and yet still catching the late game with the Steelers because drinking after about three hours of running equals rapid drunkenness). After running two half marathons in ‘05, I’ve been basically preparing a full year for this. And despite what this smarmy bastard thinks, I’m not planning on walking the thing. Rather, I’m aiming for the fairly-lofty-for-a-first-time-marathoner time of sub-3 hrs. So, naturally, two weeks ago, when doing a 22-mile sort of dress rehearsal run, my left calf muscle seizes the fuck up about 12 miles in and I have to stop. It wasn’t a major injury - I’ve been running since. It seems okay for the most part, but it gives me something to worry about. Did I also mention that it’s cold as shit in D.C. right now?

What am I trying to say here? Well, this is my self-indulgent way of illustrating that injuries can fuck up your shit in a manner most expeditious. Here are a few notable NFL players that were Rumphed by the injury bug this week.

LaVar Arrington –

I suppose Michael Strahan can sleep easy knowing his sack record is safe and secure. LaVar was nipping hard at his heels with his one sack in six games. Before Unsilent Majority gets too happy about this development, here’s a sentimental Redskins send-off video made by some fan for LaVar and Patrick Ramsey set to a Michelle Branch song. There’s really no excuse for that, ‘Skins fans, not even the tons and tons of meth (read: not meth) that flows through the city like lead through the Potomac. Like, the league should consider punitive action or something.

Mike Doss –

Doss, seen here with what counts as a black person in Indianapolis, will miss the remainder of the year with a torn ACL. He lost his starting duties to the hard-hitting but lackadaisical covering skills of Bob Sanders. Sadly, this spells the end of the C:\DOS\RUN jokes from the local wags this season.

I’ll take the ball and score for $800, Alex.

Matt Hasselbeck –

Where’s your power of prayer now, Shaun? Seriously though, as a Steelers fan, people would expect I would have some schadenfreude-induced glee from seeing Hasselbeck go down, even if only for a few games. Really, I don’t care. I don’t harbor much enmity towards the Seahawks. I’ve been alternatively bemused and amused by some of their fans’ conspiracy theories in the offseason. Honestly, why would the NFL want the Steelers to win the Super Bowl? Seattle fans contend that the league and the media spent the whole time hyping the Steelers and Jerome Bettis, so, of course, they want them to win. My question is, since when did the league give a shit how a storyline plays out? They already got millions of poor suckers to watch the fucking game and the corporations to pay for ad time, what does it matter to them if it reaches a satisfying result or not for the majority of the viewers? If anything, the league has more to gain from Seattle winning. The Steelers are already one of the league’s most popular teams and winning or losing Super Bowl XL wasn’t going to change that. If Seattle wins, the league had the opportunity to convert a city with a tepid following of its team into a more dedicated one. That means more revenue. And what the fuck do you think the NFL cares more about, a storyline or revenue? Okay, now let us never discuss this subject again. Or again, tomorrow? Sure, whatever.

Ben Roethlisberger –

I…uh, oh geez. Can I just cut and paste my comment from the the last time he got hurt? Is there some boilerplate I can format for just such an occasion? Like, for when this happens another five times this year, even once or twice after he’s put on IR? Setting aside the motorcycle accident, this concussion would have represented his fulfillment of the annual midseason injury. And the Steelers haven’t even played Baltimore yet. Guuuuuhhhhh.

Matt Lepsis –

The Broncos tackle is gone for the season, thus significantly harming the Denver Running Back Industrial Complex. “Anytime you lose one of your top players for the season, it’s always a pretty good [cock]punch,” said coach Mike Shanahan, through an interpreter who speaks douche.

Also, for the record, can we all admit that the Broncos’ defense is not as good as the Bears’? I don’t care how many points they haven’t given up to the Raiders, Browns, Ravens and Chiefs without Trent Green, let’s all agree to nip this argument in the bud right here. Along with the Seahawks thing, it seems, I’m really just searching for some closure in this post, you see.

Packers’ receiver Robert Ferguson is also out for the year (yet again), Browns’ DB Gary Baxter was tossed off a bridge by a biker and John Abraham is getting his stomach stapled so Nelson won’t pull down his pants and the school girls won’t call him Fatty Fat Fat Fat.

This has nothing to do with football. It’s the first four minutes of the new “Borat” movie. I’ll go out on a limb and declare that this will be the greatest movie in the history of everything ever ever ever.

I like!

I have a friend Jeremy (not his real name) that went to college with a girl whom he professed to loving very much. But she rebuffed his advances, and they remained only good friends. To this day, Jeremy thanks God (or whoever Jewish people worship… some sort of banker/doctor hybrid?) for that, because the girl turned out to be batshit insane. As she screwed over boyfriend after boyfriend, she’d reveal to Jeremy her innermost thoughts about each relationship, with Jeremy thinking to himself the whole time, “Man this bitch is fucking nuts.” I think there were one or two girls who dated Ted Bundy and lived to tell about it. That’s how Jeremy feels now.

But they remain friends even to this day, I assume because Jeremy is both morbidly curious at her exploits and grateful for the constant reminder that he is NOT dating a raving lunatic (or, at least, that particular one). That friendship paid off big storytelling dividends just a few weeks ago.

I was in NYC recently for the expressed purpose of getting loaded. Jeremy joined me, along with Mssrs. Ufford and Leitch for an evening of merrymaking. A few beers in, Jeremy tells us his friend’s latest confession. Are you ready? It’s unexpected.

She fucked Jimmy Buffett.

What?

“She fucked Jimmy Buffett.”

How?

“Well, they had been hanging out…”

Who just starts randomly hanging out with Jimmy Buffett?

“I don’t know.”

Man, that’s fucked up. What’s he, three decades older than her?

“Yup.”

There are rock stars whom I would prefer to not envision as rock stars, and Jimmy Buffett is one of them. Yes, he’s sold millions of records and plays to sold out audiences in tourist traps the world over, but in reality he’s just some old bastard. I don’t want to know about him snorting coke and banging groupies.

You ever watch a porn scene where the guy banging the girl is too old to be in a porno? It’s always disturbing, isn’t it? It could be the hottest girl in the world, and you’d still be thrown off by that guy’s wrinkled old ass. That, of course, was the instant mental image I got from Jeremy’s scoop, and I quickly needed more beer to help alleviate the resulting anguish.

So, if you know any crazy gals out there, look out. Jimmy Buffett may have recently stuck his old ass cheeseburger right in her paradise. And you’d be none the wiser, unless someone were there to tip you off.

Seriously. She nailed Jimmy Buffett.

Guhhhhhhh…

Oh hey, it’s the Meast of the Week! We’ve had an awful lot of homerism on the old website recently. Let’s keep the streak alive! This week’s Meast is Steve Hutchinson of the Seahawks Vikings.

Hutchinson returned to Seattle to help the Vikings destroy the Seahawks and spring Chester Taylor for a 95-yard TD run, the longest offensive play in Vikings’ history. To make Ufford even more annoyed, let’s watch the video!

I like the part where the score gets bigger.

Oh, they all laughed when the Vikings paid $16 million to a guard! Well, who’s laughing now, bitch?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit. Still got naked Jimmy Buffett in my head.