I’m sitting at home last night seething and incoherently muttering to myself about death fantasies involving Richardo Colclough, Verron Haynes and a log splitter. And how Roethlisberger has 5 picks and no touchs in two starts. And how I had no weed. Even watching the Patriots get their Cotchery pounded in prime time provided little solace.

A clearing temporarily lifts from the fog of hate and, lo, bright, capsule-headed figures fill my screen and start gamboling around the field of Gillette Stadium. I thought it possible that I was having some anger-fuelled fever dream or that I had accidentally turned on Katamari Damacy, a frightening development because I don’t own the game. Instead, it was the NFL’s bemusing way of announcing that the league will hold an exhibition game next summer in Peking Bombay Mumbai Beijing between the Patriots and the Seahawks.

There have been 40 international preseason games and one Mexico outsourced regular season game since 1986. So it’s gotten to a Simpsons level of pointless travel in foreign lands. I’m still waiting for the game in Rand McNally, frankly. I’m not entirely sure why it is that other countries would go apeshit over the first of several meaningless preseason games, but then I don’t know why people here do either. But then I suppose it’s the easiest way to get a display of American might in your country without being invaded.

Lest the 1 billion potential consumers, the ones the NFL is trying to lift from their benighted, one-baby ways, are unfamilar with the two teams that they’ll get to see take five first-team snaps, NFL.com tells us, “CCTV is broadcasting the NFL’s schedule of Sunday Night Football games live in China throughout the 2006 season, culminating with an on-site telecast of Super Bowl XLI. Seattle and New England each will appear on Sunday night at least twice this season.”

That only leaves China a full year to learn the proper respect for the Patriots (last night may not have been the best start), getting just the right tea ceremony hoodie for Belichick, and letting the Seahawks install extra noise-pumping speakers into the stadium. This could also be the first meeting between Deion Branch and his former team. He’s, I think, their second or third receiver and he used to be one member of the nameless passel of targets for Tom Brady. Isn’t that exciting? China? China?

You remember Odell Thurman; he was the starting middle linebacker for the Bengals. He was one of the leaders on a young but talented defense that just had to try and keep up with the offense. He’s also the guy who hasn’t played a down this season because of a suspension. You’d think that after skipping a drug test a guy would learn how to act like a competent professional…but these are the fucking Bungles! They might not embarrass themselves on the field anymore but they certainly make up for that in the wee hours.

Scouts at Georgia know how to motivate Odell,
there’s a fifth of Uncle Jemima at the finish line

This morning Odell was stopped by Cincinnati Police at a checkpoint designed to catch drunken morons (i.e. the Bengals) in action. After being stopped the linebacker blew a .17 on the trusty breathalyzer, more than double the legal limit in Ohio. What’s most important/disturbing/funny about the whole situation is that Odell was in a car full of teammates who had returned from Pittsburgh earlier in the night. Seeing as how Odell was released to a sober driver it’s clear that somebody else could have been driving the car the entire time.

Leave it to the Bengals to celebrate a monumental victory by piling into the car with a drunk and suspended teammate for a long night of driving. How stupid can one car of assholes truly be? Marvin Lewis has been quick to come up with a punishment, he sent everybody home without stopping for ice cream. Didn’t this guy used to be a disciplinarian? Now he’s like the world’s worst probation officer; next week we can all look forward to a jailhouse style raping of Tom Brady, both on and off the field.

I thought I had a shitty day. The Vikings have apparently adopted the Ravens’ offensive philosophy of never scoring touchdowns. And my two fantasy teams each got a nine-minute, Monica Belucci-style ass-raping. Fuck.

And then I found out that Chris Simms got the gay tattoos knocked the fuck off of his body by the Carolina Panthers. Simms was rushed to a Tampa hospital to have his freaking spleen removed after Tampa’s last-second loss. Simms even required blood transfusions. I was going to make a gay joke here about Simms swapping bodily fluids with another man, until I considered the fact that Simms likely played the entire fourth quarter of Sunday’s game with a major organ inside his body cavity bleeding profusely. And that is pretty fucking badass.

But even more badass than that is the fact that Panthers’ defense hit a man so hard and so often that he had to have his spleen removed. Usually a sentence like that is written as comedic hyperbole. But the Panthers, in this case, literally did it. Fucking sweet. That’s why football beats all the other pussy sports. I think the Panthers should be allowed keep the spleen as a trophy, and that they should be allowed to roast and eat the spleen family-style, in a curry sauce with basmati rice and naan. Maybe some daal on the side.

I don’t know about you, but I’m extremely concerned with the rash of NFL QB’s who are losing vital organs. Big Ben had his appendix removed. Daunte Culpepper had his brain removed. And now Chris Simms loses his spleen. Holy shit. Get these men a flak jacket and a spare digestive lining. Otherwise, these games are going to end up like the money scene in “Hamburger Hill”, where the dude’s clothing is the only thing holding his innards in. War, what is it good for? Some pretty awesome violence, I’d say.

So I had a bad day. But at least it wasn’t as bad as Chris Simms’ day. Or his spleen’s. And for that, I am grateful to both.

We’re on the board! Suck on that Big Daddy Drew!!! The champagne tastes sweet and the view is gooood!

New Mantra: It’s just Houston
Brunell played a good game but he’s not off the hook until he does that to a varsity squad.

Note: If the Falcons cover tommorow night I might be able to buy an actual camera

Welcome to the latest edition of the ABC’s of Degenerate Gambling. Are you interested? I know you are, because it’s fuck or walk. You cover or you hit the bricks. Each week I’ll highlight a selection of games that I find particularly enticing for some reason.

What a turnaround this should be from Week 2. Last Sunday was all about double digit lines and generally crappy football games. This week should test our mettle, lots of tight lines a shitload of early must wins. You won’t see me risking my money on games like Carolina/Tampa because I have no idea which one “wants it more” (unless the “it” in question is a backrub from Ronde…then I’d take Simms and co.). Instead I’m sticking with what I know to be true.

Chicago -3 @ Minnesota
If you haven’t been betting heavily on the Bears already you’re already playing from behind. However it’s not too late (seriously…stop crying and get that bookie on the phone). The Vikings are destined for fall akin to Roy Anderson after Pam dumped his box-hauling ass.

St. Lou +4.5 @ Buzzsaw
I’m not a huge fan of this game but that line just feels like it’s off by two points. How is Arizona going to stop Stephen Jackson? I’d be surprised if they could contain Latoya. I’ll probably end up teasing this with the over when it’s all said and done.

Denver @ New England -6.5
We’ve got three great things going for us in this game. As you may remember I have an affinity for 6.5 point lines. Throw in other variables like “Patriots playing at home” and “Jake Plummer ” and it becomes pretty clear. The Pats are going to wax Shanny’s bitches before they can sweep the leg. (this is all void if Shanny grows a pair and yanks Plummer before halftime).

Crackmore -6.5 @ Cleveland
Is Vegas serious? If I were a bookie (I’M NOT) I wouldn’t even take action on this game. Cleveland hasn’t been able to move the ball with consistency and the Ravens D is back at their peak. I know Ed Reed and Ray Lewis have to show love to Winslow because of the U connection but I’m sure they’ll leave him searching for…HUGH!!!

Philly -6 @ San Fran
They’ve gotta stop giving these spunky road dogs so much damn credit. After last week’s debacle I fully expect Donovan to “pick up every stitch” and finish off these Nazis before halftime (and this time they’ll stay finished off). After watching Frank Gore rise out of the ashes like a Phoenix I expect to see him fall back to Earth faster than the Challenger against Philly’s front seven.

Atlanta -3 @ New Orleans (IN NEW ORLEANS!!!!)
Even Ray Nagin thinks this line is a bit soft. Yeah the Saints have been awesome and it’s great to see them playing well. I can’t wait to see them take the piss-soaked field and play their hearts out for the faithful fans (even that shithead Archie “Joseph of Nazareth” Manning). None of this takes away from the fact that Atlanta is far more talented all over the field. Am I really supposed to believe that Brees and Bush are going to play above themselves because the game is in New Orleans? Fuck that, this is football not fucking baseball.

Wow, I just made light of Katrina, the Challenger tragedy, and Jesus Christ in the same paragraph…I’ve gotta fit all these in before Yom Kippur.

That’s all for me this week, I’m sure somebody will be around to entertain you on Sunday (like you need any more entertainment you greedy motherfuckers). I’ll be out of contact but you’ll be in my prayers (not really). Now I’m off to gorge myself on Apples and Honey!