Disclaimer: I recognize the severity of suicide. I have very personal reservations telling jokes about it. But this is an NFL humor site, and we have work to do. When I found out how T.O.’s day went yesterday, I had to share it. My apologies for the military time. And for the poor taste. But mostly just the military time.

0730: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0739: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0748: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0757: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0806: Alarm goes off, snooze.

0815: T.O. gets out of bed, puts on a sweatsuit, and drives to the Cowboys practice facility in his car that cost over $100,000. A little depressed that his broken finger still isn’t making headlines, he listens to Ryan Adams’s Heartbreaker during his drive.

0900: Practice. Mostly just riding the stationary bike by himself. At one point he notices Jason Whitten look at him then say something quietly to a group of teammates. Everybody laughs.

1200: Lunch. In the cafeteria, T.O. holds his tray and looks for a friendly face and an open seat. No one makes eye contact with him. When he tries to sit with Drew Bledsoe, Bledsoe puts his helmet on the chair and says, “Seat’s taken.”

1318: Parcells calls T.O. “Mary.”

1620: T.O. drives home in his expensive car. He takes out Heartbreaker and puts in Love is Hell, Part 2. Sits in his driveway listening to “Please Do Not Let Me Go” on repeat four times.

1700: T.O. checks his email. Only two e-cards from Drew Rosenhaus telling him how great he is (usually he sends five a day). And Jason Rosenhaus didn’t send him his daily apology for misquoting T.O. Sales for the book T.O. are way down, and the user reviews on Amazon are brutal.

1730: His mood spiraling ever downward, T.O. Googles himself, only to discover what people have been saying about him in the blogosphere (In retrospect, I feel bad for starting up TOShouldJustKillHimself.com).

1925 Desperate to get away from the blogosphere’s negativity, T.O. turns on the TV. Vh1 Classic is playing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. He changes the channel. HBO has Leaving Las Vegas.

1930: And heeeeeeerrrrrre come the children’s chewable Vicodin.

1947: T.O.’s publicist calls 911, hangs up, then makes an anonymous tip to a Dallas TV station, then calls the local bureau AP just to be sure. Thank God for speed dial!

2330: Skip Bayless learns of the incident, begins writing column for his new employer (the Camden Free Press) about how T.O. is setting a bad example for 16-year-old girls with image problems. His take: eating disorders are the best way to look prettier, and real men end it with guns.

In light of TO’s recent suicide attempt (which I think probably isn’t a first for him, just like I think Paris Hilton is on her 345th abortion), I had a chance to sit down EXCLUSIVELY and “chat” with Drew Rosenhaus, TO’s agent and minion of both Satan and Elton John.

Big Daddy Drew: So, he’s gay, right? You don’t just swallow 40 of anything without a little practice.
Drew Rosenhaus: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: One pill makes you larger. And one pill makes you small. Why didn’t 40 pills make TO dead?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: I haven’t been this disappointed at a failed suicide since Natalie Portman cut her wrists in Heat. Why does TO insist on aggravating the general public like this?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you find it shady that white pills were used to potentially kill a black man? Scoop Jackson does.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Your book is called A Shark Never Sleeps. Were you sleeping during the suicide attempt? I bet you were.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: More gratifying potential suicide: TO or the U. of Miami football program?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think this will inspire copycat suicides by other selfish assholes?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Has Gary Smith been contacted to write the follow up article on this yet?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: How often do you expect the word “demons” to be used by Mike Greenberg this month? 70,000? A million?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: The ghost of Marshall Applewhite says TO isn’t a team player. Agree or disagree?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Okay, so TO isn’t dead. But what if we were to bag and kill Mike Lupica to make up for it? Wouldn’t that be a good idea? I fucking hate Mike Lupica.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think TO did it because his Dad told him he was going to Harvard and becoming a doctor?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Or because Stanley Kowalski raped him?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Michael Irvin say heesa like da TO so whyy people be makin funny bout it?
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Drew, thanks for taking time out to not talk to us.
Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

“In depression, this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying - or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity - but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails, but is attracted to it wherever one goes.”
- William Styron, “Darkness Visible”

In the immediate aftermath of T.O.’s suicide attempt, a collective incredulous cry went up from the football blogosphere wondering how someone so physically gifted, so exorbitantly paid, so thoroughly in a Drew Rosenhaus-imposed fugue could do ill unto himself. I’m no psycho-pharmacologist, but the wiring in Terrell Owens’ brain is a tangled, jumbled skein of black licorice Twizzlers that no amount of driveway sit-ups can set right. Even Joey Porter worries for this guy. That’s why he’s lending him his dog’s bumblebee toy as soon as Owens leaves the hospital, unless Parker Posey takes it first.

The extent of his sickness is immediately clear; famous ballplayers don’t reveal deep-seated psychological issues by attempting suicide. They sloppily hit on sideline reporters or not-so-sloppily hit their significant others. Bad form, T.O., bad form.

Beyond the camera mugging and the overbearing narcissism, the warning signs ran deeper. At the time it seemed the bumptious demand of a prissy prima donna receiver, but now, we know for certain why T.O. refused to play for the Baltimore Ravens. Why would anyone, facing the demons he does, want to playwith that loser Kyle Boller and the Ravens’ inept offense? under the spectre of a team named for a purveyor of the macabre whose own death is marked by mystery and opprobrium?

This is a clarion call not only to the NFL and its fans, but humanity at large, and maybe even a few species of animal. In the coming days, weeks and months, as suicide denials are issued, passes are dropped, and Cowboys losses are piled high, it is incumbent on us to give this man our rapt, breathless, unwavering attention. Wars, elections, poverty, racism and porn, you say? T. O., T.O., T.O., T.O., T.O., say we. One wandering thought, one straying eyeball could drive this man over the edge. You want that on your conscience?

Terrell Owens wants to be loved. He knows you admire his skill on the field and his asphalt calisthenics. He doesn’t just want to be revered, he wants to be embraced, and he wants to be an American hero.

Terrell Owens wants to be Brett Favre and there’s no easier way to be Brett than to start eating Vicodin out of a customized Pez dispenser.

We all know how TO feels about Brett, if he’d been the Eagles’ quarterback they’d all be wearing shiny rings. Like everybody else in football TO sat by and watched people flood Favre with praise and well wishes even while dependant on painkillers. All TO wanted was a piece of that action, now he’s got it.

In TO’s confused mind he equates tragic drug use with heroism…silly TO, that only applies to movie stars (I love you RDJ). If he really wanted the media to show him some love he should have tried to do all the other things Favre has done in this league (like throwing interceptions or being white).

Buck up TO, being Brett Favre isn’t that great anyways (just ask his family), we’ll love you more if you just be your own whacky self. There’s no need to down a handful of painkillers just because people don’t like you…that’s what Xanax is for dumbass!

If you want to stay off the pharm all together (good idea) you should just go out and pick up a nice Dutch and a bag of Humboldt…it’ll cure what ails you.

A statement from Cowboys owner/GM Jerry Jones to KSK reveals that TO wasn’t happy in Dallas, and wanted out. I spoke briefly with Jones earlier this morning.

MMP: You might think what he’s done is shocking.

Jones: Yeah, um, to me though suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems that life has given him.

MMP: That’s good, but TO would never use the word “myriad.”

Jones: This is the last thing he’ll ever do. He’s going to want to cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible.

MMP: Yeah, but he missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.

Jones: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge of his failures at this school.

In case you weren’t already aware, Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens has apparently tried to kill himself. Is it fair to make fun of a man who may be in his darkest hour and in need of serious mental counseling?

I say yup.

TO has long been someone who desperately desires attention, negative or otherwise. So I think TO (who is not dead) would have wanted it this way, with people brutally flaying him with rapturous glee. That way, other people can step in and say, “Hey, he’s a person too, assbag!”, thus causing TO be viewed in a highly sympathetic light, leading up to Pontius Pilate’s swift execution order.

In other words, we at KSK plan on giving TO exactly what he wants. Stay tuned today for our numerous theories on why TO decided to try and half-assedly knock himself off. Seriously, has anyone died from attempting suicide by ingesting pills (cue random commenter who has a loved one that actually did)? TO didn’t want to die. He just wanted a $5 million advance for his memoirs. What a tactician.

Today is a special day here at Kissing Suzy (no this has nothing to do with Matt Leinart and/or VD). Today we are honored to be joined by the most reclusive man in the National Football League. He’s been described by some as an Ãœbermensch-like combination of Karl Rove and Chuck Noll (yet they sill love him in Boston). Of course I’m talking about Mensa’s own, Bill Belichick.

Coach, I’d like to welcome you here to KSK. We can’t thank you enough for this unprecedented access to your organization. Firstly, I have to ask why you’ve chosen us to speak with after biting your tongue for so many years.

Spite, nothing but good, old fashioned spite.

Spite? Against Whom?

Peter King; I don’t care for that man, he’s annoying as hell and I figure this would be a good way to get under his skin.

I think I understand perfectly, say no more…seriously, don’t say anything else…the walls have ears.
I’m sure you requested this forum for a good reason, so what is it you’d like to discuss?

I am here to announce a bit of a change to our lineup for Sunday’s game.

Oh really? Are you going to insert Maroney into the starting spot over Dillon? I wouldn’t have expected that for another few weeks.

Nope, I’m thinking bigger. We’ve come to a decision; Matt Cassell will start at quarterback this weekend against the Bengals.

Coach, when you requested this interview I was under the impression that you were serious. Just because we’re a humor site doesn’t mean that you can come on here and fuck with us.

I assure you Mr. Majority, I fuck with you not.

So what’s wrong with Brady? Was he injured late in the Denver loss?

This change has nothing to do with injuries, at this point I feel that Matt can offer more to the team.

How could you bench a future Hall of Fame inductee in the prime of his career? Surely you can’t be serious. His performance in the past couple of weeks can’t be enough to warrant the promotion of a backup who hasn’t played since high school.

A rare satellite image of Cassell playing football

I’m very serious, and don’t call me Shirley…LOL!

Very funny Coach, you must be a Deadspin commenter. Seriously, what could Brady have done to get on your bad side?

He’s being a whiny bitch! You’ve seen him out on the field, he’s wavin’ his arms and hollerin’ at his receivers, it’s not my kind of football.

To be fair you did trade away Deion Branch, his primary receiver and bff.

No shit, that’s all I he ever talks about anymore. After the trade he cried for four hours. Now he’s moping around practice like a Mormon girl during prom week. When he’s not writing in his journal he’s text messaging Hasselbeck out in Seattle to tell him what a special guy Deion is, even he thinks that shit’s weird. The fact is that we need a quarterback who can run my damn team.

So what makes you think Cassell can run your team? He’s never played a significant football game.

The kid’s got all the tools, I’ve seen it for myself. Just because he never played at USC doesn’t mean he’s not better than Leinart.

Some may say that’s exactly what it means.

Listen, Cassell’s a good kid from solid roots, I’ve spent some time with his mother and I can tell you he’s of good stock.

Coach, are you having an affair with Matt Cassell’s mother?

I’m not not sleeping with her.

Coach you’re doublespeak will not work on me, I’m no Peter King.

Fine! So what if I am sleeping with her? After the Bonnie Bernstein rumors and that milf in Jersey I’ve been struggling. That doesn’t have shit to do with my quarterback decision, you muckraking bastard!

I think it’s about time you got some help for yourself Bill. It seems like you’re undermining your team and your personal life just because you’re a bit of a stubborn ass.

Matt Cassell is my starter, Tom Brady’s bitchy attitude is on the bench and that’s that! This interview is over.

Thanks for joining us Coach.

Since his brief glory days with the St. Lunatics, Kurt Warner has handled more clipboards than Office Depot. Sadly, Kurt is making yet another trip to the supply closet. Denny Green has tapped 2-guard impregnator Matt Leinart to be the new starting QB for the Arizona Cardinals. The move was widely anticipated after Warner was booed off the field Sunday. Seriously, how bad do you have to suck to disappoint fans whose expectations are already lower than Vince Young’s Wonderlic?

The Cardinals have finally realized that, their best hopes notwithstanding, Warner has nothing left in the tank. After this season, Warner, a two-time NFL MVP, Super Bowl MVP and Cedar Falls’ Hy-Vee April 1994 Employee of the Month, can expect Arizona to give him a pink slip– which he will promptly mishandle and drop.

“I wonder if the Amsterdam Admirals are still around?”

(Photo: Lyle Whitworth)

Update: Apparently, Chris Mortenson’s snitch is feeding his some bad information. Warner is still the starter. For now. The sound you hear is Will Leitch banging his head against the wall screaming “THIS BUZZSAW NEEDS A NEW BLADE!!!”

Say what you will about Shaun Alexander’s slow start, you can’t really dismiss the fact that he’s a somewhat important component of the Seahawks offense. And now he’s out indefinitely with a broken foot. The doctors aren’t calling it a broken foot; they’re calling it a “non-displaced fracture of the foot,” which, of course, is a fucking broken foot.

Strangely, as one of the five or so people who represent Seattle Seahawk fandom on the Internet, I’m not actually all that upset. You want to see upset? Unsilent Majority has Alexander on his fantasy team. He barely got to enjoy the Redskins victory before this news broke. Let’s just say he isn’t handling this well.

Some people are inevitably going to bring up that fat fuck’s curse, but I actually blame Mike Holmgren. He has secretly resented having a premier running back for years. You know he’s jealous of how many passing plays Andy Reid calls. Well, with four semi-top tier receivers and Maurice Morris as the #1 running option, Bill Walsh’s legacy is sure to live on.

Note: By “Bill Walsh’s legacy” I mean the West Coast offense, not George Seifert. Just felt I should make that clear.

Well, we did it! We fixed the stadium! Whew! Thank God we got that done! Looks great, everybody! Only took $160 million to spruce it up! I think it’s safe to say that our work rebuilding this city is finally done. We even got that preening asswipe Bono to play a few songs to make it official. Sure, his band hasn’t tried to do anything remotely adventurous since Pop, but that’s all right. Peter King will eat that shit up!

What’s that? Portions of the city still lay in ruins? Pfft. I don’t wanna hear about that. This city is completely rebuilt, you hear me?! I already got a guarantee from Theismann that he’ll say, “The Saints mean so much to this city…” at least 376 times tonight, and Kornheiser’s too much of a pussy to stop him!

So don’t talk to me about homeless black people. It could be worse for them, you know. They could have moved to Houston and then been stuck with the Texans! So many of the people in this town were underprivileged anyway. So this is working very well for them.

See you at the game! I reserved one of the rape-history-free luxury boxes!

NOTE: You can still donate to the Salvation Army’s Katrina Fund by calling 1-800-SAL-ARMY. Oh, and read this.