We understand how hard it is for the readers of Kissing Suzy Kolber to go an entire weekend without little morsels of NFL-related humor. So we’ve decided that our final act every Friday afternoon will be to post a photo of an NFL cheerleader (or cheerleaders). We think it’s a nice little way to say, “See you Monday.”

But before we get to Friday’s girls, please appreciate how hard it is to select a single photo. Assuming there are approximately 30 cheerleaders per NFL squad, that’s about 900 women I would consent to have sex with right there. Figure in some turnover every year and we’re into the thousands. Then realize that these women get photographed in skimpy clothes all the time, and suddenly I’m forced to sift through tens of thousands of cheerleader pictures.

Sounds great, right? Try doing it at an office job, with a co-worker sitting in easy sight range of your monitor. Anyway, I tried to limit the search by only looking at girls whose names end in “i” or “a” but that didn’t cut the results down at all.

So, for the initial installment, I felt it only appropriate to go with the Cowboys cheerleaders (who, by the way, don’t even feature a gallery section on their official website — WTF?). Now, I take serious offense to the Cowboys being called America’s Team, but it’s hard to argue that the Cowgirls aren’t America’s Cheerleaders. Like, any squad can give us hot pants and huge valleys of cleavage, but tassels and white cowboy boots? Lightning in a bottle, my friends.

Photo: Darren Carroll/SI

(Oh, and if anybody makes the claim that cheerleaders aren’t funny and thus don’t belong on KSK, watch out. That kind of thinking is downright un-American. Trust me on this one. I mean, you try to come off as “sensitive” and impress some girls by saying that today’s cheerleading outfits are too revealing, and next thing you know Navy SEALs snatch you up and send you to Gitmo. I mean, sheesh, did you have to be so thorough with the cavity search? Can you take this burlap bag off my head? And couldn’t this have waited until after the playoffs?)

Update: As some intrepid commenters have noted, Gregg Easterbrook, who writes an allegedly popular NFL column called Tuesday Morning Quarterback, regularly includes photos of cheerleaders in his columns. For the record, when the KSK staff discussed the inclusion of this feature, none of us thought of Easterbrook’s habit. But hey, excellent detective work, TMQ readers. Men like cheerleaders. Now you can go back to your groundbreaking work on particle physics.

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

Houston, We Have A Football Team?

The thing about genital warts is that they never really go away – you can go 6 months without a single appearance of one of “Satan’s hickeys,” and then, just when you think you’ve got everything under control . . . BAM! They’re back, and you’re stuck staying inside in front of your TV waiting for things to clear up, wondering why you even went to Thailand in the first place. And really, isn’t that the rub when it comes to genital warts? At least with other humiliating social diseases you know where you stand – you’re either sick or you’re not. None of this on again, off again malarkey.

In a lot of ways, the Houston Texans are very much the genital warts of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. By all accounts you expect them to be a really bad team – the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of this generation. And to their credit, they have certainly had moments that fit that bill (after all, when they lost to San Francisco last season, did anyone even accuse them of taking a dive to get the draft pick? I think by then the occurrence of a Houston loss was way past the point of raising eyebrows). But then you look at the Texans’ record during the last 4 years –4-12, 5-11, 7-9, 2-14, and you get the sense that, kind of like genital warts, they’re not just going to go away that easily. Instead of just sucking to the point where even Jay Leno is piling on, they do things like win two consecutive season openers, against Dallas and Miami, and actually get folks thinking that they may only be a few players away from solid mediocrity.

Now, I wish that I could deliver a long, statistic-laden analysis of the Texans for you. And it would be great if I could run down the roster and have some opinions on the players. But I can’t. To be perfectly honest if there are athletes in Houston and they’re not named Yao or Roger, I’m probably not the guy who’s going to have the answers. I could have done some research on this, I suppose, but quite frankly as I write it is July 3rd and I had to work today and “research” of any type just isn’t going to happen. Not unless it involves the bottoms of many, many beer bottles. And besides, shouldn’t the analysis be left for, you know, the teams that are going to contend for something this season? If a mechanic is looking under the hood of a Hyundai, he’s not going to use the same tools as he would with a Ferrari. So with that in mind, here are some nuggets about the 2006 Texans:

Some little known facts about the Texans:

1 – The Houston Texans are, in fact, a professional football team.
2 – The Texans have never appeared on Monday Night Football
3 – In 2003, the Texans decided to save on expenses like salaries by playing without an offensive line.
4 – Sadly, the real David Carr died in 2004 after he was sacked for the 358th time that season. Since then, the Texans have just kept replacing him with look a-likes, like they did with Lassie. These replacements QBs can always be identified by their “new Carr smell.”

Dates For Houston Fans To Look Forward To:

1 – September 10 – Week 1. At Philly. Continuing their streak of surprise opening day performances, this game is nothing short of a lock for Houston – I’m so confident in the outcome I’m not even going to watch the game. This probably has more to do with Philly, who seems to need to begin every season in complete crisis mode, than it does with Houston. But the fact remains you do not want Philly in week 1 in your suicide pools. Trust me on this one, kids – by the time this game is over Eagles fans will be rending their garments and Rush Limbaugh will be sitting somewhere in an OxyContin induced haze, and waiting for the little blue pills to kick in.

2. – Week 5 (Bye Week- and don’t think this won’t be a lot more enjoyable at 1-3 than if they were 0-4. Plus, pizza party at Kubiak’s place).

3 – October 15 – Dallas @ Houston. Texas football. If you can’t hold on to the lamp, you can’t hold on to the football.

(Captain Caveman: Don’t forget April 28-29, 2007 – the NFL Draft. Ha!)

Most importantly, these are not your father’s Texans (nor are they your father’s genital warts) – remember that these guys are going to begin the 2006 campaign with the help of the #1 overall pick: a multi-talented running back who already has a career’s worth of highlight reel material and who many experts think could –

no, wait . . .

- A quarterback who happens to be a hometown hero and capped off a remarkable college career with one of the most impressive individual performances ever in a championship game

no, that’s not it either . . .

- Mario Williams. Uh-oh, there’s that familiar itching sensation again . . .

When I am 70 years old, I hope to be grossly overweight while living in a bus, aimlessly scribbling on shit, and getting paid to watch football. In other words, I want to be John Madden. Despite being a Pro Football Hall-of-Famer and broadcasting icon, he has also been on the ass-end of countless jokes and criticisms of football broadcasting. Our favorite, of course, would be his blatant overuse of the telestrator, that thingy that draws stuff on the screen, demonstrated here in a great Mad TV sketch (there was one?) c/o YouTube.

BTW, we are less than 7 weeks away from Madden 07 hitting stores. Can we pay for the game with chicken wings?

The RC Times (not Royal Crown) is reporting that Ickey Woods is annoyed over the No Fun League’s insistence on penalizing the touchdown celebrations that we here at KSK love to no end. Ickey contends that his famous Ickey Shuffle would probably be subject to constant penalties if he were to perform it these days. I cannot think of a more blatant way for Paul Tags to suck the pure joy and exuberance out of football.

Like Ickey, I am no proponent of obnoxious self-centered antics (i.e. Joe Horn) but I fail to see what is so wrong with an inspired dance move or a truly transplendant team celebration like the Fun Bunch. Such rejoicing is one of the main reasons that we have created this blog; if it weren’t for guys like Chad Johnson the NFL would be about as funny as a dead puppy (not pictured).

Fortunately the football world is filled with brave men who are willing to bite the bullet and pay the fine in order to keep us all in a perpetual state of childish giggles. Even more impressive is the story Ickey tells about the notoriously frugal Brown family, “I had some fines come my way, but the owner said his wife liked it,” Woods said.”Since she enjoyed seeing it, he said whenever I score I could do it, don’t worry about the fine.” See, even the ladies love watching grown men shimmy.

Just so you know, we here at KSK will be keeping constant tabs on all the daring celebrations of all the funniest players the NFL has left. We plan to incorporate a complex scoring system (no French judges!) and reward each week’s winner by offering to pay his fine (editor’s note: we will not pay anybody’s fines).

Much love to the RC Times for bringing Ickey back into our lives.

Until next time, keep dancing.

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

2005 Recap: 13-3, lost Super Bowl XL, not very funny. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Captain Caveman, allow me to admit: I love the Seahawks. I might love them more than my parents. Last season’s phenomenal playoff run was the closest I’ve ever seen a Seattle team come to a championship. But I’ll be the first to tell you that it wasn’t a funny team. Let’s take a closer look:

- Hard-hitting safety and defensive anchor Ken Hamlin was beaten to within an inch of his life outside a Seattle night club following the ‘Hawks’ Week 6 victory against the semipro Texans. I felt sick for three days. Not funny.

- Shaun Alexander was voted the league’s MVP, scoring 28 TDs and doing the most boring touchdown celebrations ever. He’s a devout Christian, he loves his wife and children, and he says all the right things to the media. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

- Matt Hasselbeck quietly became one of the best QBs in the NFL, kind of like a poor man’s Brett Favre when Favre was good. He’s so tough that when he tackles someone, it’s a penalty. But really, is he funny? Nope.

- All in all, Seahawks President Tim Ruskell pieced together an entirely unfunny team by focusing on things like “character” and “team.” Oops, except Sean Locklear. Still, domestic violence: not funny.

- Well, there was one comedic highlight: Qwest Field on November 27th. That was the Giants’ Week 12 overtime debacle in which the G-Men had 11 false starts and Jay Feely steadfastly refused to win the game. I would have found it hilarious if I hadn’t been breathing into a paper bag. Still, when I’m having a bad day, I like to look at this.

Potential for Comedy in 2006: for Captain Caveman — Zero; for everyone else — Excellent. Despite the loss of All-World guard Steve Hutchinson to the Purple Pussies of Minnesota, the Seahawks may have gotten better in the off-season. And it’s this kind of talk — “They were a Super Bowl team, and they got better!” — that will make even the easiest of regular-season wins this year a hand-wringing affair for me.

Here are things that could make me throw up this season and also give countless fans of other teams unlimited laughter (it’s incredibly hard to type with crossed fingers, as I fear publishing these thoughts will doom them to become true):

- Hasselbeck gets injured. The Seahawks’ backup QB is (still) Seneca Wallace. I saw him in the second half of a preseason game at Qwest last year. He looked like ass against Minnesota’s second string. Sweet mother of God, Matt, be careful out there.

- A weak secondary kills them. Despite drafting Kelly Jennings with their #1 pick, the ‘Hawks secondary remains their weak spot, especially if Ken Hamlin’s return is less than complete. I suppose some people might laugh if Matt Leinart picks apart the Seattle D with Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I’m twenty-seven; is that too young to have hypertension?

- Alexander the Great gets old. He’s 30 this season. Maurice Morris is barely more competent than Seneca Wallace. I’m terrified.

What to expect: A playoff team. Very few laughs. Me screaming at the television about a team playing 3000 miles away, resulting in dangerously high blood pressure.

Finally, as much as I would like to pretend this picture didn’t exist, here’s a photo from when the Seahawks were funny, as recently as two years ago:

Note to commenters: I will delete every single comment that pertains to the referees of Super Bowl XL, Jerramy Stevens’s dropped passes, or the Pittsburgh Steelers. Then I will find you, and I will fight you. So just save me the trouble, okay?

When I saw that EA Sports was making an NFL game based solely on coaching and personnel decisions, I was intrigued, but not intrigued enough to drop $40 on it. On the other hand, my close friend from the Midwest, Lipton T. Grooveworthy, nearly had a sexy-time explosion in his pants when I told him about the game, and bought it as soon as it came out. What follows is the first part of a four-part series of conversations we had about the game, and his updates on his progress as he takes the helm of the Cleveland Browns.

APRIL 6

MMP:
Here’s another NFL game. Not sure if I would buy it, but it looks pretty sweet.
Lipton T. Grooveworthy:
I just got around to checking this out. I’m 99% sure i’m going to buy this. I love the offseason stuff in Madden, it’s my favorite part. This game has the feel (from what I’ve read) of being right up my alley.

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

2005 Recap: 5-11, Moderately Funny. Don’t let the losing record fool you: The Electric Cutting Tool That Is The Arizona Cardinals went undefeated on Mexican soil last year. According to wire reports from that gem of a game against the 49ers, “Josh McCown passed for a career-high 385 yards and two touchdowns against the Niners’ pathetic pass defense, and Neil Rackers kicked a career-best six field goals…”

Two words: Instant. Classic. I don’t understand why people say the Seahawks had a weak schedule last year.

Potential for Comedy in 2006: UNLIMITED. Expectations are soaring for the Cardinals this year, and few things are as funny as the collective wail of a fan base’s dashed hopes and dreams. Due to a strong draft, a potentially dangerous offense, and a weak schedule, the Cardinals will almost certainly be the pundits’ “Dark Horse to Surprise You and Make the Playoffs” pick, which will doom them, because the team that everybody picks to be the Dark Horse is never the actual Dark Horse. Here are the top four comedic storylines to follow in ‘06:

1. The new Cardinals Stadium. Well, this name won’t last. But it’s always nice to have that first season without corporate sponsorship. I guess if the Cardinals go 10-6 and make the playoffs, Matt Leinart will be getting blowjobs under the bleachers in Cingular Stadium. They go 4-12, and Kurt Warner will be hobbling around on crutches at Kia Field. (By the way, as I write this, on the Cardinals official site you can vote for your favorite element of Cardinals Stadium: retractable field; air conditioning/retractable roof; fullback seats; cupholders; or interior design. I voted for interior design. Twice.)

2. Kurt Warner’s inevitable fate. Kurt Warner will get hurt. Matt Leinart will start. Kurt Warner will heal. Matt Leinart will keep starting. Kurt Warner will wear a baseball cap and carry a clipboard. This isn’t even conjecture or speculation. It WILL happen. And even though we already know the outcome, just like when Wile E. Coyote goes full-tilt into the side of the cliff, it will be hilarious.

3. The addition of Edgerrin James. Man, nothing sparks fan interest like a big free agent signing. Too bad that a running back’s skill isn’t independent of his offensive line: the eggheads over at Football Outsiders computed the Cards’ run-blocking to be the worst in the NFL last season. That sound you hear is a trombone going, “Wah-wahhh.”

4. Matt Leinart. In a way, I can understand the desire to have sex with Paris Hilton. Even though she allegedly has herpes, displays the self-awareness of a patch of moss, has a lazy eye, and consented to be filmed having sex (during which time she answered her phone), she can be attractive, in a leggy/fake blonde/colored contacts/nose job sort of way. And she’s worth more money than the entire Arizona Cardinals franchise. But going shopping with her? Dude. C’mon. Respect yourself.

What to expect: Who knows? They have loads of talent on an offense with a shaky O-line that will be helmed by a capable but brittle veteran quarterback or a gifted but unproven rookie QB. On defense, they will put eleven men on the field. I’d sooner bet on the Italian soccer team with a guy whose last name ends in an i than wager on the ‘06 Cardinals.

Don’t you hate it when your wife tells everyone you’re gay? What if you really were? As far as Giants defensive end Michael Strahan goes, we all thought his wife had thrown him out of the closet during their divorce proceedings. But after all the ado, those original claims of forbidden love were unsubstantaited.

As if the silence wasn’t deafening enough, the coup-de-grace was delivered over the weekend when Strahan’s attorney, Robert Penza, delivered a personal email to your humble blogger regarding said non-gayness:

Mr. Punter,

This evidence should “exonerate” my client. See attached.

-RP

His attorney’s choice of words notwithstanding, I did see attached. And it was, in fact, a page from Strahan’s Microsoft Outlook calendar. And, as a public service, I release it to you. One can find references to Strahan’s alleged lover, Dr. Ian Smith, and his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Jean. So, let the truth be heard! Or, um, read. (Click image to enlarge).

There you have it. Mr. Strahan isn’t gay. He’s just…really busy.

We’re off for the 4th. See you Wednesday.

Welcome to part one of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

Something’s rotten in the state of Jersey.

Oh, that’s just the Meadowlands.

The seemingly hapless New York Jets franchise spent last season taking several giant leaps in the wrong direction. In fact all they’ve really been good for lately is acting as the Triple A affiliate for the playoff-bound Redskins (exhibit a, exhibit b, exhibit c)

Gone are the motivational press conferences of the truly mediocre Herm Edwards (although he was better than Al Groh, who now lives in a van down by the river). Stepping in is Eric Mangina (typo…really), the second youngest coach in NFL history. While he may be a disciple of the Oracle of Mass, he will soon learn that he’s a long way from Foxborough. Regardless the hiring of Mangini has already appeased both Fireman Ed and Paulie Walnuts.

In recent years the success or failure of each season has been determined by the effectiveness of the men under center. Last year Chad Pennington went down with a nasty recurrence of Kerry Wood Disease and the Jets crumbled like Curtis Martin’s 33-year-old knees. Entering this season he appears to have all the arm strength and tenacity of a young Timmy Lupus. To compound his problems Pennington just happens to be walking into a three-way battle royal the likes of which haven’t been seen since Invisible Man.

Chad’s modest company includes a lead-footed castoff and an untested rookie. Patrick Ramsey will come into camp auditioning for the rest of his career after a tumultuous few years in DC and his subsequent demotion to the minors. The option currently carrying the most momentum heading towards training camp is newly drafted quarterback Kellen Clemens out of Oregon. The highly regarded prospect managed to slip all the way to the Jets despite the unmitigated success of Oregon QB’s in the NFL. Between the likes of Joey Harrington and Akili Smith we could very well be looking at the next Heath Shuler!

As questionable as the quarterbacks seem to be, they are no match for the Jets feeble running game. Unfortunately CMart appears to be on his way towards bankruptcy, and even worse, there doesn’t appear to be anybody worth a damn waiting in the wings (what ever happened to that guy LaMont?). Ced Houston is serviceable at best while Leon Washington doesn’t appear capable of twenty carries a game. Perhaps the best bet to supplant Martin is the D-Blocker himself, Derrick Blaylock, although Jadakiss runs a better 40. Long story short, the offense is fucked no matter who’s wearing the headset.

The once proud defensive unit has been decimated by age and defection. Jonathan Vilma is an incredible talent but without a running mate like Jon Abraham his efforts will go for naught. This of course will all lead to the Jets trading another studly Hurricane to Washington in exchange for some overrated chump.

To put it bluntly (stop giggling Ricky), The only way the Jets viewers won’t be pissed is if each loss is interrupted by Heidi.