Big plans. You have some big plans for this weekend. You’re gonna clean up the house. Do the dishes, bust out a load of laundry. Shit, you have so much fucking laundry, you could do a whole load of whites. That’s right, do ‘em on hot. Vacuum, maybe scrub the toilet. You are getting shit done this weekend.

Or you could just go through a twelve of Coors Light and sleep through Saturday. I mean, you know, that other stuff isn’t going anywhere.

Big plans. We leave you to your own devices with this little episode of…well, we don’t know what the hell this is. But we do have a cheerleader. And, we’d guess, one of her close personal friends. Is he promoting that Johnny Knoxville movie? There’s no way to be sure about that. But we are sure, absolutely sure, that the retard is singing “America, The Beautiful.” Won’t you sing along:

Fo’ boo-dee-full, fell-a-tious skies
Fo’ ham-per waves of grain
Fo’ pur-ple moun-tain ma-jes-ty
And on the bowl-ling lane

A-mer-ri-ca, A-mer-ri-ca,
God wet his face on me.
And round the hood with other food
Come see my shiny seed!

Big plans, I tell you. Big plans. See you Monday, if we’re not already in Hell.

We avoid going into in-depth analysis of the NFL here. And that’s as it should be. The only people truly qualified to comment on the NFL are former NFL players. They’re the only ones who can give you complex opinions like, “Philip Rivers is the man now in San Diego,” or, “In the NFL, you have to make that catch.” You see how densely layered those statements are? Only a former NFL player could conceive of something like that. And only a former NFL player would have the guts to make such bold proclamations. Those are hardcore football opinions! Stay the fuck away if you can’t handle them! Only Mankind shares this kind of testicular fortitude!

In fact, NFL players are the only people qualified to even watch the NFL. Did you play in the NFL? Okay, well then you can’t possibly begin to understand what this game is all about. You little shit. You have no business watching it. Turn it off. This league belongs to the players, not to some two-bit civilian from the Male 18-49 demographic who has a great deal of disposable income to spend on malt beverages, automobiles, and financial planning services! You don’t get the NFL, you commoner! In fact, you’re not even allowed to think about it! So there! Run home and suck on your mommy’s teat!

That’s why we’ve asked a handful of your favorite NFL players turned studio analysts to come in and enlighten peasants like you about all matters pertaining to the National Football League. Today, we welcome in former Bronco, former Redskin, “NFL Live” co-host, and occasional “Mike & Mike” third wheel Mark Schlereth to take your questions.

Schlereth: Doy-uh, hello everybody! Doy-uh, my name is Mark Schlereth! Doy-uh, in my playing days they called me Stinky because I would play and then pee in my pants and it would stink and that is why they called me Stinky and that is so funny!

Frank, New York: Mark, do you think Eli Manning will duplicate the success he had in the first half of last season, or will he continue to regress?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Eli Manning has to step it up this year!

Bill, Seattle: Mark, how will the loss of Steve Hutchinson and a fat new contract affect Shaun Alexander this year? Will he get complacent?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, all I know is that Shaun is the M-V-P! nobody can take that away from him unless they were to break into his house and steal it and then I guess they would be taking it away from him!

Jenny, Green Bay: Mark, if Brett Favre struggles again this year, do you think the Packers will finally replace him with Aaron Rodgers?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Brett Favre is a legend! I know that many people say that Brett Favre is not a legend but if you look up “legend” in the big book of words it says a legend is “an inscription or a title on an object, such as a coin” and that to me is what Brett Favre is all about!

Mike, Pittsburgh: Mark, is Hines Ward a Top-10 fantasy receiver this year? I worry about age hindering his production.
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you better look out around Hines Ward because he will hit you in the mouth! although technically he cannot hit people in the mouth because they are wearing facemasks and so getting to the mouth can be tricky! but in the NFL we say guys will hit you in the mouth and even though it is not true and even if you could hit a guy in the mouth you would probably be penalized and bragging about hitting a guy in the mouth is even strangely gay! but he will hit you in that mouth and that’s a “Coors Light Cold Hard Fact!” do you drink that stuff because I do sometimes and it makes me feel kind of silly and sometimes I end up strangling my dog!

Jason, KC: Mark, is there enough left in Trent Green’s tank to take the pressure off of LJ in the backfield?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, I know Trent Green personally and not only is he a good QB but he is also a great husband and father and one time we went to the golf course with his friend Benji Compson and we hit little!

Ernie, Pittsburgh: Mark, with the Bus retired, will Fast Willie Parker and Duce Staley be good enough to keep the Steelers running game strong?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you can say what you would like about Willie Parker but I will tell you one thing he is FAST! and in this league speed kills but not like real killing where a dagger stabs your brain open but I mean killing on the football field which means speed helps you beat the other team and makes them sad!

Jimmy, Oakland: Mark, the Raiders made an awful lot of changes in the offseason, and not many of them good. Does this team have any bright spots?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Warren Sapp plays for the Raiders and I have heard of him! I have heard of him! he plays defense and when you play defense you must stop the run well you do not have to stop the run but it is better if you do because them teams cannot run and then they have to pass more but if they are good at passing then I can see them being very happy!

Mike, Washington: Mark, don’t you find it odd that only NFL players and coaches are allowed to be TV analysts when the league’s best coach didn’t even play in the NFL himself? Shouldn’t your credentials as a broadcaster be paramount above all else? Isn’t it sort a joke that guys like you purport to be real NFL experts when you can’t even really criticize players for fear that they’ll get mad at you and that, in some twisted way, you’ll be bruising your own ego?
Schlereth: Uh… uh… Doy-uh, did anyone see a little rabbit run by here? Doy-uh, which way did he go? Which way did he go?

Bugs, Albakoykee: He went thattaway.

Schlereth: Doy-uh, Gee! Thanks mister! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!

Bill, Memphis: Mark, is Eddie George a Hall of Famer?
Schlereth: Oh, I love him! I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George!

Tom, Minneapolis: Mark, will new Vikings coach Brad Childress employ a pass-first offense like his old boss, or do you think he’s more willing to go to a ground-oriented attack?
Schlereth: Dah… I’m gonna have possum for dinner! I’m gonna have possum for dinner!

If you happen to speak English, you may realize that Peter King is the best NFL writer in the United States, and therefore, the world. In fact, his NFL prowess is so renowned that it has earned him an analyst’s spot on the NFL Sunday Night Football studio team, premiering this fall. He is an Afroed god among mere mortal, straight-haired sportswriters.

So how does this elite journalist get into condition for the season? Certainly the work of covering 32 teams requires a strong preseason regimen. We like to know these things, so we here at KSK obtained a page of Peter King’s Outlook Calendar for an upcoming day, as many teams will already be in camp. While he sits on top of the mountain for now, to us it seems clear: Peter King is not ready for some football.

Don’t worry, Pete. That’s why they call it the preseason. Just keep your chin…up.

I’ve never been one to mince my words; with that said, I fucking hate the Denver Broncos. It’s not necessarily the players that bother me, instead it is their fans that I detest with reckless abandon. To make matters worse they are coached by a loathsome miscreant whose smarmy confidence can no longer mask his playoff record since the Horse hung up the reigns. Despite all this it is their offensive line that I hate more than anyone else (outside the NFC East). Simply put they are the dirtiest sons of bitches I’ve seen on a football field since those guys busted up my man Lucas.

Truthfully I never had a chance; my first memory as a football fan dates back to a chilly January evening in 1988. On this day I watched as my Redskins went down an early ten points, then I watched Doug Williams and Joe Gibbs orchestrate the greatest quarter in the history of the game. Ever since that day I have looked down on the Broncos with such contempt that I’ve never cheered for them. In fact, I’ve never drafted a Denver player in any one of my fantasy leagues.

Everybody knows that the Broncos have enough talent on the roster to compete for the AFC title. Last year’s run of thirteen wins (plus a playoff win) proved that point to anyone who still doubted them. This year their goals are clear, they have to reach the Super Bowl. It’s not often you can say that about a team but in this case anything less would just be another disappointment.

Unfortunately for the Broncos, their hopes are still firmly attached to the arm (and brain) of Jake the Snake Plummer, frankly I’d rather see Jake Roberts taking the snaps. On the positive side the front office had the foresight to draft Jay Cutler who could be ready to supplant Plummer at a moment’s notice. While they had the opportunity to draft a player who come in and start they recognized the need for a second option at quarterback. Cutler impressed everybody with his Combine and individual workouts, if the Broncos hope to bring a championship back to that shithole town young Mr. Cutler needs to learn that playbook. (Sources tell KSK that Mike Shanahan actually stole his current playbook from Madden 2003).

Those unfortunate bastards who have to corral Jake’s wily passes are also a cause for concern at this point in the year. Ashley Lelie is apparently pissed off at the coaching staff for his roll on the team. Apparently he fully expected to supplant the the Unbreakable Rod Smith despite finding the endzone as rarely as Mr. Glass. As always Shanahan will rely on his running attack to carry the brunt of the offensive burden. A lot of people have attempted to dissect the famed scheme, one time Merrill Hodge got close before his neurons shutdown from fatigue, the same thing happened to me the last time I read the Four Quartets (seriously, what’s up with that rose garden?).

As a service to our readers I’ll break down the Broncos running game in three simple steps.

1. Tatum Bell (or some other scrub they plug in) starts his run off the right guard.

2. Matt Lepsis and Tom Nalen lay out a couple of defenders with a pair of violent chopblocks.

3. Tatum Bell cuts back to the left side and and skips over the broken leg of his would be pursuer.

(this can also be reversed with George Foster dislocating some poor guy’s ankle, just press the R2 button on the play selection screen)

The team’s true saving grace is their stout defensive unit that held the Steelers to a mere 34 points in the AFC Championship game (well at least they were stout the rest of the year). To be fair the defense did have a great season thanks to a flurry of acquisitions over the past few years. In fact last year Denver imported the sorry ass defensive line from the sorry ass Cleveland Browns…and they didn’t suck!

Behind the freshly minted defensive front lies some of the fastest linebackers in the League. DJ Williams is an absolute freak that I’d love to see on my team (i’ve got a thing for those 7th Floor dwellers) and Ian Gold is routinely underrated. The crux of the defense’s success will lie in the consistency of their secondary. Anybody who knows me knows how I feel about Champ Bailey, for those who don’t, I think he was the most overrated player in the entire league when he was going to Hawaii in a Redskins helmet…nothing has changed. Domonique (yeah he spells it like that) Foxworth is serviceable on the other side, but the guy I’m interested in is his backup. I think it’s about time the coaches started playing Karl “Bitch Betta” Paymah (I’d like to see Berman pull that off).

Without a doubt the player who offers the highest comedic appeal is our pal Sean Landeta. We here at KSK will continue to pray for Sean’s fat ass and lovehandles.

Now I’m off to the NAACP Convention wearing my Kanye t-shirt that reads “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

Keep in mind today marks the opening of rookie camp for the Jets and Eagles…just in case you were wondering why you keep hearing boos in the distance.

At this point, even DJ Hi-Tek is getting down on his boys from the ‘Nati. The only people left in Ohio who aren’t pissed about the Bengals’ off-season transgressions are members of the Ohio State Bar Association. Type the team’s name into Google (double true), and you’ll find a police blotter that would put the Cowboys’ crew to shame.

Atop the list you’re likely to find their young, talented, and possibly lobotomized third receiver, a fitting ranking after finding himself in custody three times since the end of his team’s season. At this rate they’ll be renaming Interrogation Room B after this guy. Thus far his infractions have included possession of marijuana (apparently still illegal), concealment of and assault with a firearm, providing alcohol to jail bait, and the requisite DUI.

All of this since January? Are we sure he’s not part of the Mexico clan? Seriously, the guy took his mugshot in his own damn jersey; apparently he was going for the “Tom DeLay” tactic. Despite his antics as of late I prefer “Classic Chris,” like back in December of 2005 when Henry got pulled over and the cop found some West Virginia homegrown stashed in a shoe. Apparently that’s the easiest way to procure skunky weed in the hills.

Most recently Odell Thurman, also a member of the memorable ‘05 draft class, has sufficiently contributed to his team’s new rep. The Bengals recently learned that their impact middle linebacker will be wearing street clothes for the first quarter of the season thanks to a failed (or skipped) drug test.

According to John Clayton’s more “analytical” overview of the situation in Cincy, it is Mike Brown & Co. who have been calling the shots in the player personnel department. This logic (like math without numbers) leads me to believe that Brown is a self-destructive personality… or he’s just trying to stick it to that smiley black guy.

The Bengals, as if refusing to admit the follies of the previous draft, went ahead and selected Frostee Rucker. You know you’re in trouble when you’ve got parents who were too high to think up a name without taking an ice cream break. He was subsequently arrested for smacking his woman like she was an Oregon State quarterback, although to be fair she did call him Mr. Softee after a mishap in bed. (Disclaimer: We here at KSK do not find spousal abuse funny in any form… except for Chuck Finley)

To compound their problems, the powers that be decided to use one of next year’s draft picks on Ahmad Brooks in the Supplemental Draft. While Brooks was a standout on the field he was getting higher than a Bengal back in the dorms. After a few run-ins with the Man regarding marijuana (still illegal) he was booted off the team. Essentially the young middle linebacker with a drug suspension has been replaced by the young middle linebacker with a history of drug use.

All this means is that Chad Johnson is sitting quietly in the corner planning the perfect way to redirect everybody’s attention to its rightful place.

Welcome to another installment of Better Know a Football Team. Today, the Miami Dolphins.

Hey, did you hear the one about the former All-Pro quarterback who got caught up in a team-wide sex scandal, then blew out his knee in a fashion that would make Barbaro wince? And then he demanded a long-term extension? Then got dealt to a team in a city that only fueled more speculation about his nightlife? Then allegedly flashed “the shocker” to 20,000 of his new city’s fans? And that team then traded for one of the highest-profile draft busts in recent history to play back-up to the All-Pro? And they signed an undrafted gun-wielding sex offender to play third-string QB/wide receiver/odds-on favorite for jail time? And they invited a short-fused retired offensive lineman to try out as a tight end? And the team’s star running back got his 316th consecutive drug suspension and ended up in the Canadian Football League? And their All-Pro defensive end, driving near his home close to the team’s practice facility, got stabbed by a redneck road rager? Then his wife, the team’s middle linebacker’s sister, filed for divorce from him?

Yeah, I guess everyone’s heard that one by now.

For the Fins (or ‘Phins, if you prefer abbreviation to anatomy), it has been an offseason of comedy that can only be called Shakespearean. The Winter’s Tale was a story of the quarterback dilemma, when the early favorite to play savior, Drew Brees, chose instead to be a Saint,* tipping the dominoes that brought in Culpepper and Harrington. Is the team big enough for The Two Gentlemen of Florida? I have my reservations about Culpepper (to say nothing of Joey), but if Nick Saban can win nine games with “My Name is Better Suited for Ice Skating” Gus Frerotte, whatever fuss I happen to make about the quarterback situation will become Much Ado About Nothing.

And what of Ron Mexico Jr? Will Saban bring out his inner Petruchio and give us The Taming of the Shrew? Or will Vick’s Midsummer Night’s Dreams of violent crime create The Tempest that blows him out of town for good before he even sees The Twelfth Night of camp?

I, for one, would love to see The Comedy of Errors continue. But Dolphins fans should ignore the hype and my hopes, and remember that All’s Well That Ends Well.

Hey, speaking of happy endings…

*If I remember correctly, Saban actually cooled on Brees and preferred Culpepper. But I’m not interested in your silly facts.

You might think it’s homophobic to taunt NFL players about their sexuality. And it is. But hey, I’m just taking my cues from the mainstream media (or the “MSM”, if you happen to be a dipshit). Great writers like SI’s Michael Silver, who last September told the world how Laveranues Coles’ story of childhood abuse inspired him… inspired him to be the first writer to help an NFL player out himself. Wait, what? To wit:

It’s the kind of story I wish I could have written, and it occurs to me that the profile I’ve long dreamed of penning is still there for the taking.

Someday, perhaps soon, an active NFL player is going to reveal to a reporter that he is gay — and I want to be that journalist.

Congratulations, Michael! You’ve managed to be self-centered, creepy, and oddly homophobic all at once! It’s the jackass trifecta! You’ve also given me further proof that the tribe of people I belong to (that would be tribe of People Who Are Socially Liberal But Aren’t Complete Douches About It) is slowly becoming extinct. Way to go! What’s the thought process going on here? “Wow, Laveranues Coles was abused as a child? That’s so sad. Boy, I can’t wait to scoop me some gay!” Sounds like a logical connection to me. So let’s follow Mikey’s lead and gay it on, with more NFLers who would happily be “amigos” with Eddie Dane and Mink LaRue:

6. Miniature Peyton Manning from Those Gatorade Ads
I fucking hate these ads. I don’t know what focus group Gatorade’s ad agency, Element 79, conducted to come up with this idea. But I would like that focus group facility burned to the ground immediately. If you’re looking to sell lemonade with salt in it, it’s not a wise strategy to take the world’s blandest athletes and turn them into a bunch of 10-year-old douchebags. I knew kids like this in my neighborhood. They’re the ones who made up a new wiffle ball rule every at-bat and shouted it out as loud as they possibly could. No one likes kids like this. Not even their asshole parents. In fact, if kids like this were gunned down Jonesboro-style, I’m pretty sure no one would notice.

By the way, I don’t actually believe Peyton Manning is gay. I believe he masturbates to game film while shouting out dummy calls to his right hand. I also believe he calls his penis “Jeff Saturday”. He’s gridirosexual.

7. The Denver Broncos Offensive Line
Won’t talk to the media, eh? I think we all know that people that refuse to talk to the media have something terribly, terribly wrong with them. Why, just look at Art Monk. Total freak, that guy. Who wouldn’t like to talk to the media? They lead fascinating lives, these media people! They drink coffee in airports! They watch softball games! What’s not to love?

Oh, and by the way: in case you gentlemen haven’t noticed, you’re offensive linemen. Unless you got the quarterback injured or you raped someone, reporters aren’t exactly stepping over each other to talk to you. Anyway, it’s pretty clear that Matty Lepsis, Ben Hamilton, Tom Nalen, Cooper Carlisle, and George Foster are all more Bear than Bronco. So I’ve devised a handy list for them of Things To Do In Denver When You’re Gay:

-Gay skiing
-Gay snowboarding
-Gay hiking
-Gay mountain biking
-Gay kayaking
-Gay rappelling
-Gay rafting
-Karaoke night at the Beaver Creek Chalet

Have fun, boys! And keep it on the DL!

8. Kordell Stewart
Actually, since Kordell Stewart remains a free agent (Quick, GM’s! Sign him before he gets away!), he really doesn’t belong on this list. But Kordell reminds me of the only historic sporting event that I attended in person: the 1994 Michigan-Colorado game, which featured Kordell’s stunning Hail Mary TD pass to Michael Westbrook. Two personal memories of mine from that game:

-I discovered I had a hernia during the third quarter of that game. I went to scratch my balls and stumbled upon some suspiciously low hanging fruit. I even coughed to verify it. I had surgery two weeks later. Every day really should be Saturday!

-After the game, on the way out, we passed by a group of ecstatic Colorado fans. Angry, I shouted to them, “You’re all inbreds and you fuck your mothers!” I wasn’t even drunk. Classy move on my part. And you thought Michael Silver had some solid douchebag credentials!

9. Ray Lewis
It’s not just knives that Ray will stab you with! In addition to dancing the funky chicken before every game and waving around flags that he forgot to unfurl (If you saw last year’s Viking game, you know what I’m talking about), Ray justifies his presence on this list by virtue of his passion for cake. Observe!

A sweet tooth is a gay tooth, my friend!

10. Leonard Little
Oh wait, I’m sorry. Leonard is supposed to be on my Negligent Murderers list. Sorry about that, Leonard. Boy, for a second, you thought you might be on the gay list! And, in the NFL, that’s way worse!

Captain Caveman defends Peyton Manning’s sexuality: Look people, he’s not gay. He’s pasty white, he lives in Indianapolis, and his gag reflex is extremely sensitive. You wanna know who’s gay on that team? Marvin Harrison. Holy crap does that mustache have early-90s, short-shorts, AIDS-epidemic written all over it.

Welcome to another installment of our ongoing series, Better Know a Football Team.

Epiphanies are mysterious things. They are moments of clarity that result in paradigm-shifting realizations, and that’s some pretty heavy shit. But you don’t have to be named Stephen Dadelus to have one, nor are they always accompanied by sunsets and choirs of angels. Nope, a person can have an epiphany while they are sitting on their ass watching TV. Take me (please, ladies. Take. Me. Anywhere.) This weekend I was on my couch, firmly ensconced in faux velvet, when the following occurred to me:

1 – That poster on my wall may be the reason I’m single
2 – No way those pills actually work . . . although that guy does look awfully confident.
3 – My job is my credit
4 – I don’t actually dislike the Redskins

Now, that last one shocked me. I went to college in a REDskin state and, for a guy from New York who didn’t like the Skins, being amongst their fans in the 1990’s was a glorious carnival of schadenfreude. Norv Turner. Gus Frerotte’s headbutt. The inevitable late season losses to the Cardinals. Those were the salad days.

But times change, grasshoppers. MNF is on ESPN instead of ABC, MTV doesn’t play music anymore, and Al Roker is skinny. In short, it ain’t the 90’s anymore. It’s the 21st century and not only do the Skins look like they are on the verge of stopping traffic in suburban Virginia and Maryland so people in khaki pants can get out of their Volvos and sing Hail To The Redskins, there are things I actually like about them. Here are three:

1 – Joe Gibbs –In the movie about the old coach who returns to a league that may passed him by, Gibbs’ character last season went from Hume Cronyn to Wilford Brimley. And in a league where assistant coaches have become increasingly visible (and therefore more important? Not sure which came first), he’s got two pretty good ones.

2 – Clinton Portis – On the field, we all know the guy can play. But it is off the field where Clinton stole our hearts. His weekly press conferences were one of the few instances of plain, silly fun in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE in the last several years. I have no doubt that the powers that
be will ban them by the start of the season. In fact, Joe
Buck is already sorry they ever took place and thinks we are all worse off for having seen them.

3 – Dan Snyder – Short, rich, and apoplectic. He’s Kim Jong Il but without the nuclear capabilities.

Even if this wasn’t enough for me to tune in this season, the fact is that this was a very good team last season that got better during the off-season. Despite a disappointing playoff loss which these guys did not take well, the Skins should be able to continue playing like they did during a an impressive run in the 2nd half of last season in which they seemed to gel as a team. They’ve got Portis, they’ve got Santana Moss, and now they have Antwaan Randle El. And despite the loss of amateur reality game show host LaVar Arrington, Gregg Williams’ defense still is going to be fine, with veterans like Marcus Washington and rookies like Rocky McIntosh and Anthony Montgomery.

If there is a question mark for the Skins, it is at QB, where Mark Brunell will continue his quest to prove he is not Patrick Ramsey, and where Jason Campbell will hold a clipboard better than a lot of other guys could. (But hey, if the Washington D.C. football team is looking for a quarterback to step in and save the day, I think I know the guy.) Despite the QB situation, though, the Skins seem to have fewer question marks than most NFC East teams – the Skins could run away with the division -T.O. could be T.O. and help destroy the Cowboys from the inside (and kill Parcells in the process), Eli could decide he’s not ready yet, and McNabb could just implode (especially after a week one loss to Houston. Do not doubt me on that one). Or they could all have excellent seasons and the division race becomes a tight one. Either way, the Skins are probably a good bet to get out of their division.

So those are your 2006 Redskins: talented, and not entirely unlikable. I had asked Julie and Travis, close friends of mine and the two biggest Skins fans I know, to offer their predictions for the 2006 season. One is in the process of rebuilding South America. The other has probably hit on you at The Angry Inch. Both have enough dirt on me to keep me from ever running for public office. Anyway, neither got back to me in time with a response (we run a pretty tight ship here at KSK). So instead, a friendly reminder that right about the time the Skins wrap up a playoff spot would be a great time look into financing that new automobile, and when you do there’s really only one place to go:

This is really just your typical love story. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl catches boy videotaping her sister undressing. Girl drags boy through nasty divorce proceeding for $7 million.

So he was “taping” his future sister-in-law. Wait, isn’t he supposed to be gay? I only hope it was a VHS tape, and not Beta, because that would just look bad. Anyway, Strahan had the camera hidden in an alarm clock in the guest room, where the “production” took place. According to the recent Post article, the tape was made two years BEFORE
they got married. I’m sure the tape is now an easter egg on the Strahan Wedding DVD, complete with director’s commentary.

MICHAEL: Mmm, mmm. damn, she’s looking so fine. I’m doing the wrong one.

TOM ARNOLD: Michael, I didn’t know you were down with the white meat!

MICHAEL: You better get that finger outta my face!

TOM: You said! You said!

(scuffling overheard)

MICHAEL: AAAHHHH, MY SHOULDER! (beep) (beep) PUNK!

So what else came out at this trial? Jean Strahan can’t seem to get the skeletons out of the closet fast enough. Those would include these titillating goodies such as:

Adultery, including taking “business trips” to tropical resorts with other women, the main business being to get some stinky on his hangdown. The Strahans had only twice had sex since the birth of their twin girls.

Beatings (yawn). I don’t understand why the Players’ Association hasn’t already worked spousal beatings into the League’s anti-trust agreement. I mean, the only people still surprised by these are the spouses.

Plastic Surgery…for him. Didn’t help.

Alleged Gayness. Well, except for the “alleged” part.

Leaving the toilet seat up.

As it turns out, HE filed for the divorce, it was reported, in part because she “did not like rap music.” You know shit is bad when other divorce lawyers are looking at this trial and saying, “Man, those bitches are crazy.”

Also worth mentioning; she is 41, he is 34. He married seven years OLDER? This guy is the anti-Chris Henry, never had a prayer. Why wouldn’t he go after someone with more of a new-wife smell? Couldn’t he spring for a later model? Maybe an import? She doesn’t have to be 20, but she should at LEAST recognize Matchbox 20. Jeez, I hope that tape was of her YOUNGER sister.

So she already has $7m of his, and she’s going after another $7m. That’s just in his assets. Then he will owe her alimony, and then child support for his twin girls, expected to exceed $1m per year. This being asked from a man who may not be able to perform his craft after a few more years. The judge has already said that he will lose his house, and soon he will lose his family. If anything is to be learned from this tragedy, hopefully it will be this:

Michael Strahan is totally so super-flamingly gay it’s not even funny.

Kissing Suzy Kolber’s first post was June 28, 2006. In a way, it’s sad that the site has been around for less than a month, and already we face the grim reality that nothing will ever surpass the majestic beauty of this clip.

Remember Bo Jackson? He played for the Royals when they were in the major leagues and stomped ass every week for the Raiders, and according to a Nike commercial I saw he also “knew” soccer, cycling, archery, and like 15 other sports. Then he got hip necrophilia or something and couldn’t run over Brian Bosworth if The Boz were sleeping on the sidewalk in a puddle of his own vomit.

Thankfully we have YouTube, which brings us videos like this to remind us of Bo’s historic — and historically lost — talent. I’m pretty sure this is from that famous Monday Night Football game against the Seahawks in the Kingdome:

Our deepest gratitude to GorillaMask, where we saw this first.