Welcome to another installment of Better Know a Football Team. Today: the St. Louis Rams

2005 recap: 6-10, HIGH-larious. Ah, 2005, the swan song for Mike Martz as a head coach. For anyone who’s forgotten, Martz had to go on medical leave last year due to having a baboon’s heart. He was replaced by his assistant Joe Vitt, who was the only person on an NFL coaching staff who looked like less of a coach than Martz. While Martz recovered in San Diego, he tried to phone in a few plays during a game, to which team president Jay Zygmunt vehemently objected. For, you know, the good of Martz’s health, I’m sure. Eventually Martz got better and he was all, “Okay, I’m ready to coach again,” and the team was like, “Why don’t you just take it easy there for a while, Champ?”

Also to be cherished from the Rams’ 2005 season was the performance of rookie third-string quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Remember him? He came in for an injured Rams starter – whatshisface, you know, the guy whose name sounds like a NASCAR driver’s? – who was starting in place of injured starter Marc Bulger. Fitzpatrick, a mid-game replacement, threw for 300 yards and the winning TD in overtime to lead a thrilling comeback against the mighty Houston Texans. For the next week, NFL talking heads crowded around Fitzpatrick on their knees, mouths agape like a baby bird’s. Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard! He proposed to his girlfriend at McDonald’s! And he went to Harvard! And he likes McDonald’s! Mercifully, Fitzpatrick fired a stream of liquid diarrhea all over the bed that ESPN and FOX had so nicely made for him, throwing just one touchdown and seven interceptions in his next three starts before returning to his rightful place on the bench, where he was free to daydream about rowing on the Charles and discussing Kierkegaard with that Asian girl who dropped out of pre-med.

Potential for comedy in 2006: Declining, but still good. The loss of Mike Martz (to the Lions, who are now the comedically deepest team in the league) was a huge blow to anyone who liked laughing at the Rams. New coach Scott Linehan may turn out to be competent, and new defensive coordinator Jim Haslett — very funny as a head coach — might actually turn around a defense that was almost as sturdy as Marshall Faulk’s knee.

Like Faulk, The Greatest Show on Turf has gone the way of vaudeville. With Isaac Bruce now collecting Social Security checks and an entire generation of quarterbacks left lame and brittle by Mike Martz’s offensive “genius,” the new Rams offense is getting re-built around running back Steven Jackson. In fact, the Rams used two of their first three picks in the draft on tight ends, which should open some holes for Jackson the same way fullback Madison Hedgecock (pictured above) did in 2005.

Ha, Madison Hedgecock. That’s just his “Ram” name. Anybody can get a Ram name. You just take the last stripper you got a lap dance from, and pair her name with a male porn star’s last name. What, you think tight end Dominique Byrd was born with that name? Anyway, when the Rams announce that their starting offensive line will be Houston Strongbone, Aspen Mandingo, Montana Longblast, Dakota Bonecock, and Vagina Cumshooter… well, just remember you heard it here first.

What to expect in 2006: Hedgecock will get into a locker room fight with center Richie Incognito over who has the faker-sounding name. Pisa Tinoisamoa and Oshiomogho Atogwe will have to intervene.