As some of you may have heard, this past weekend was a rough one for Ravens linebacker Roderick Green, who was stabbed outside a bowling alley in Maryland early Sunday morning. No suspects yet, although police believe the whole thing started when Green bumped into someone and then that person attacked him. Unfortunately, this was just the last of a series of things that went wrong for Green and several of his teammates during the team’s bowling night:

9:30 p.m.- Tony Siragusa shows up uninvited and insists on roaming up and down the sides of the lanes, commenting on the action.

9:45 p.m.- Brian Billick procaims himself a “bowling genius”, then proceeds to roll a smooth 97.

10:30 p.m. – Snack counter runs out of Mr.Pibb

11:00 p.m. – Jamal Lewis gets into an argument with the owner after he instinctively tries to trade three packs of cigarettes for use of the pay phone (still doesn’t trust cell phones).

11:30 p.m.- Steve McNair tears an ACL and ruptures his spleen while trying to pick up a 7-10 split. McNair removes his own spleen with a spork, fixes his ACL with some duct tape, and finishes his game with a 225.

12:00 a.m. – McNair, still a bit sore, returns from the parking lot and finds that the alley has locked him out.

12:15 a.m. – Somebody stabs Roderick Green. (Note: there is absolutley no evidence that Ray Lewis was anywhere near Green or the bowling alley when this happened. None whatsoever. He had nothing to do with it. Ray Lewis has pictures of his mother all over his house. Didn’t you ever see that episode of Cribs? The man wouldn’t hurt a fly.)

1:00 a.m. -Nihilists pee on Green’s carpet, which is a shame, because it really tied the room together.

UM: Sources tell KSK that Green was earlier seen “fucking with the Jesus