An enterprising tipster alerted us (Note: this is not the royal “we.” There are five of us) to these undated pictures on Facebook. Now, the official Kissing Suzy Kolber position on athletes partying is — obviously — Namathian, possibly even Smootian. So we’re here not to tsk-tsk Bears “quarterback” Kyle Orton. We applaud his active nightlife. Judging by the first picture alone, his rookie season may have been better than Ben Roethlisberger’s (sadly, Big Ben’s face probably still looks better than Kyle’s).

So, what to do with these gems? Caption contest!* KSK’s one-liners are below each of the pics; hit us up with your best in the comments, you dirty fucking voyeurs. (And if the Internet is the Wild West of journalism/grammar, then our comments section is hereby declared the OK Corral. With a minefield. In a tornado.)

*No winner will be decided; no prize will be given.



CC: Honestly, women like this don’t even need a face.
UM: Kyle temporarily loses sight of the tits he was dancing with.
Drew: “Man, that girl has a nice ra… ooh, did someone just leave that half-empty Michelob with the two cigarette butts in it over in the corner? Things are looking up for Mr. Orton!”
MMP: Is he looking at her ass or is he asleep? Or is he just Vietnamese and nobody told me?

CC: Kyle, I’ve seen you move in the pocket. Your future’s not that bright.
UM: To be fair, they were dancing to a Corey Hart cover band.
Drew: “Your watch, my dear… it’s just so very bright! It’s searing my retina! Vuarnets! I must… wear… the Vuarnets!”
MMP: Her watch says, “1:50.” Her eyes say, “Where’s Craig Krenzel?”


CC: Kyle practices his best chance for getting the starting job back.
UM: “You be Peyton and I’ll be Kenny!”
Drew: “God dammit, where is your penis again? I know the dipshit with the water bottle doesn’t have one, but yours must be somewhere.”
MMP: I guess Orton wasn’t just blowing games last season. Did that girl run off with Ced Benson?

Note: Footsteps Falco has a “deposition” — whatever that is — and will join the party when he’s able.

UPDATE: Of course, Deadspin — a website with which we’re only vaguely familiar — is the true trailblazer in the Orton chronicles. You can see him out partying here. Oh, and here. And look! No neck-beard here.