That goes out to all you people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare online.

(thanks to A.J.)

Wow. Big-time mailbag today, people. We’ve got some seriously inexperienced readers in need of equally serious help. With the exception of one guy who married a slut, pretty much everyone is at the “crawl” stage today.

But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the guy who married a slut. I would’ve liked him to do better for himself.

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Given Name: Sergio. I wonder if he’s Spanish like that golfer guy. I don’t know much about the Spanish, but I can tell you one thing, their sangria is DELICIOUS! Why drink beer or wine when you can drink a fruit salad with some alcohol in it? I make a mean pitcher of the stuff myself. The secret ingredient is Sprite (shhh!).

Surname: Kindle. You know, like the e-book reader. I got one of these for my birthday, and it’s awesome. Hella awesome. I can go from reading The Sports Guy’s Book of Basketball to Glenn Beck’s Common Sense (scoff if you want, the guy knows his stuff) in like, 10 seconds. Plus I now have every word Dan Brown has ever written at the tip of my fingers.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Sergio has had his share of problems behind the wheel. There was a DWI arrest in 2007 that cost him three games, and an even more troubling incident within the last year. Apparently Sergio was engaging in what has come to be known as “Texting While Driving” when he hopped a curb and drove into an apartment. This was probably the result of those maddeningly small buttons found on most cell phones. That’s why I do all of my texting on the Kindle. The buttons are much easier to identify while changing lanes at 55. Is there anything this little miracle can’t do?

Mainstream Media Comparison: The nook from Barnes and Noble. But really, there’s NO comparison between the two when you get down to brass tacks.

KSK Comparison: Derrick Thomas. Let that be a lesson to you, Mr. Text-n-Drive!

Who Wants Him: You! Or at least you should. Did you know that you can read other stuff besides books on your Kindle? No joke. Lately I’ve been using mine to get back into the blog world. I don’t really have time to read a lot of sites, but I try to keep up with the big ones. You know, the TBL’s, PFT’s, and Perez’s of the world. The really essential blogs.

Who Will Take Him: The New York Giants. That’s what Kiper thinks, and frankly, that’s all I need to know.

28. Return Of The Compound Swear Word. PUNTE can’t believe that Brandon may not fill out an NCAA bracket, as we’re efforting to put together a college basketball show Logic from The Gally Blog makes a case for “styling glue” while talking about his tour of open mic nights. And then it’s Dan Shanoff who shares his thoughts on the state of sports, some insightful, some mind-blowingly bad. And the compound swear word returns. 2-minute version. Full version.

Recorded Wednesday 3/10/10; runs 76 minutes. Subscribe on iTunes.

According to some guy on Twitter that no one has ever heard of, the scores from this year’s Wonderlic test have been leaked.  The Wonderlic is given to potential draftees to supposedly gauge aptitude and problem solving.   Here are some of the scores:

Sam Bradford – 36

Colt McCoy – 25

Jimmy Clausen – 23

Tim Tebow – 22

Some pundits are taking this to mean that Tebow isn’t smart enough to play quarterback in the NFL.  Pardon my French, but that’s a load of you-know-what.  Tebow is magna cum laude when it comes to “football smarts. “  These egg-heads  would rather have Stephen Hawking quarterbacking their team.  Gimme Timmy T any day!

NOTE: That’s right, I’ve returned to the site I helped found in 2006.   The guys told me years ago that the door was open for me to return anytime I wanted, but I’m pretty sure they thought they’d seen that last of me.  I had to leave for career reasons, but I am now ready to start anew.   Right now I’m poring through the KSK archives to catch up on everything I’ve missed.  It’s great to be back!

Say, do you remember last week, when Peter King told you that delightful tale of Sean Payton stealing the Double J’s wine? Well, that certainly was humorous and mirthful! Also, it was breathtakingly inaccurate!

One of the waitresses that night gave an account of what happened to the Sporting News radio. Florio (also a paragon of accuracy) posted a summary:

She said that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had not expressly reserved the last bottle of the wine in question, but the staff knew from past experience that it is one of the wines Jones likes.

The bottle won’t be headed to the Hall of Fame any time soon; after it was left for the Cowboys, someone knocked the bottle over and broke it.

Well, that’s hardly as interesting as Payton STEALING Jones’ wine and taunting him with the dead soldier. But such dramatic flair is necessary is when you’re typing out this story on the Acela train while on your fifth Heineken Light and seventh Triple Girl Scout Cookie Blendolatte.

Or is this waitress LYING? Is she covering her tracks to cover up for St. Elmo’s gross mistake, and their subpar coffee-flavored water? If so, YOU OWE DON BANKS A FREE DINNER, HONEY.

Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!

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Oh, people, this one was tight. Tighter than Andrea Kremer’s electric blue leather corset, I tell you. It was a two-horse race for the 2009 Least of the Year, and the eventual “winner” got first place by a mere 22 votes. People, I give you your Least of the Year… JaMeatball Russell.

(In case you were confused, that’s JaMarcus in the center. No, wait. On the right. Sorry, I just always assume he’s the fat one in any photo.)

JaMarcus was going to pick up his award, but saw an IHOP on the way over and decided to stay there for the next seven years. I wonder if the Raiders should just stop drafting people with the last name Russell. That seems to never work out in their favor. I look forward to JaMarcus being arrested on drug and sexual assault charges three years from now. But don’t worry. JaMarcus promises to cook you dinner tonight, then give you salmonella poisoning, then get fired by you, then get grudgingly called back by you after all of your replacement chefs go down with freakish injuries. Let’s break down the voting… HEISMAN STYLE!

As you can see, Jay Cutler owns the Midwest, while people from both coasts were happy to recognize JaMarcus’ breathtaking incompetence. But what’s with Wyoming? WHY YOU GUYS BE HATIN’ ON LADAINIAN? I never knew Cheyenne was Charger country.

Story

The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

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