Although Jon Gruden has shown himself capable of being engaging and occasionally cogent on his QB Camp specials with impending draftees, he remains generally worthless in the “Monday Night Football” booth. There’s a clear and grating Gruden M.O.: he ticks off his litany of catchphrases, assigns random professions as nicknames (“THIS GUY, ANDY DALTON, I’M GONNA CALL HIM THE ASTRONAUT, BECAUSE THERE’S NO TELLING HOW HIGH HE’LL GO AND BECAUSE HE BELONGS ON A RED PLANET!”) and shouts.

We already know to expect a more concentrated dose of Gruden this coming season after ESPN removed Jaws from the booth in order to go with a two-man team. What we didn’t know is just how much the Worldwide Leader loves them some Chucky. From a media Q&A session with ESPN president John Skipper:

Jaws [Ron Jaworksi] is great. What we are mostly trying to do is we want to ride Gruden. Gruden is a star. You have seen his QB show. He has a lot of personality. He has a lot to say. There was some concern that he and Jaws sounded a little bit the same in the booth. We just thought it would help viewers sort of understand who was there. Our sense is we ride Mr. Gruden a little bit. I think he can be a big star.

Sure, if you’re going solely by the QB specials, I could understand why he might have confidence in Gruden’s affability as a potential audience draw. But like all others who enter an ESPN booth, Gruden is injected by producers with a cocktail of ketamine, speed and that compound from 28 Days Later just before he goes on the air. He immediately drops 40 IQ points and becomes a frothing jackass. If there’s any consolation in the network president talking about riding him out like a running back, it probably means Gruden will break down into disrepair within three or four years.

In making the most obvious joke possible about Rex Ryan losing 90 lbs., Adam Schefter kept the god damn in “god damn snacks” while on-air. My stars! Such ribaldry! Either it’s the best evidence yet that Schefter is not actually a cyborg or his makers have added a swearing patch in his latest “human colloquialisms” update.

- On the outside chance you haven’t seen the profile of Justin Bieber that Drew wrote for GQ, get on it. The outtakes are also up over at Deadspin. As Kogod has noted, the greatest is yet to come when the Beebtards spew all their hate at Drew over Twitter for disparaging their swaggy lover boy.

- Got an extra $4,275 laying around? You could win the chance to have some fun out there while tossing the ball around with Brett Favre. Or if you have a set of tits, he’ll let you toss them for free.

- Further evidence that people are the worst: the home of Junior Seau was robbed five days after he committed suicide. Could be Junior Safehouse wasn’t the right wording after all.

- Because of the effects of a concussion, former Giants kicker Matt Bahr didn’t know where he was when he made the field goal to win the 1990 NFC Championship Game. Same goes for Lawrence Taylor, but that’s more on account of being coked out of his mind.

- Nick Mangold appeared on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” to take part in the “Wax On/ Wax Off” segment. First impression: Nick wasn’t all that hirsute in the torso region to begin with. You could have probably gotten more off of Holley Mangold.

Now that the Giants’ Super Bowl rings have been officially unveiled and Justin Tuck can stop talking about how all the leaked images looked nothing like the actual hardware, the Giants are looking to share the championship joy through social media with their fans. And so we have a mobile app that allows users to superimpose a “virtual” Super Bowl ring or Lombardi trophy into their profile image. How loverly.

Oh, the greasedouche duck face that will ensue. It will be endless. On a related note, I’m certain Tiki Barber has already downloaded this. Hell, while we’re at it, let’s give everybody Giants rings.

Yeah, that’s about how I feel about it, too, Cutty. But at least you finally got one!

Int. Cowboys Executive Offices

Jason: Welcome, chums, to another episode of Good Eatings. Joining me as always, is my dear brother Judd. Brother!
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Wine stolen from Jerry Jones

In a gesture that shows that either the Saints are being extra dramatic about the punishment handed down for bounties or that Sean Payton has died in a tragic riverboat gambling incident, the team is taking a note from Seder custom and leaving a space open for their suspended head coach at team functions throughout the year.

Payton won’t soon be forgotten by the 2012 Saints. The team is going to leave Payton’s chair empty on the team bus and plane all season. They are doing the same thing in team meetings.

It’ll be a somber vista, those empty chairs. Little doubt that the team will make it fittingly symbolic by festooning the open spots with Payton’s trademark visor, crutches and pack of Juicy Fruit. When it gets real quiet, the team will still be able to hear Sean not doing anything to stop targeting star players. That’s been Breesus will let rip a majestic ass-ripping. He really knows how to cut through the tension.

[Image via Shutterstock]

One of Peter King’s Tryout Guys, Andrew Sweat, an undrafted linebacker from Ohio State, said that rather than report to camp with the Browns and risk possibly dealing with a lifetime of lingering concussion issues, Sweat instead is going to law school. More troubling fallout from the Junior Seau suicide or is it simply the best way to dodge having to play for the Browns ever? It’s only a possibility because Peyton Hillis didn’t actually follow through with joining the CIA.

Deadspin’s Jack Dickey gave Sweat a bit of the ol’ snarky snark blogger grief, only for Sweat to respond directly, saying that he’s gonna do just fine as a lawyer ’cause he’s got a sweet-ass connect at his daddy’s law firm. Just spitballing here, but I’m gonna ahead and guess that he ends up being commissioner one day.

The episode reminds me of the Scott Sicko story from two years back, in which an undrafted tight end turned down contracts from five teams because he said he wanted to pursue his Master’s. Sportswriters muscled each other like shoppers on Black Friday to suck him off for the decision. Then, Sicko proceeded to change his mind and sign with the Cowboys days later. I can only hope this plays out similarly.