As much as I respect my UPROXXian colleague Danger Guerrero, his opinions on the ocean are what my Jewish grandmother Sylvia would have called, “Bupkis” if she actually existed. Sure, I hate things like sharks and octopi and whales and jellyfish and krakens, but if it weren’t for the oceans, we wouldn’t have beaches, and without beaches we wouldn’t have bikinis, and without bikinis we wouldn’t have bouncing and jiggling. I think my counterpoint wins.

Now that the summer is here, the ocean indeed serves a purpose, and I want to celebrate that purpose with this Sexy Friday tribute to bikinis and related swimwear. More than anything, I want to pay tribute to the women who wear them, because they’re the real heroes. And if Tim Brando has a problem with me calling Kate Upton a hero, then he can deal with me like a man.

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Via The Jets Blog 

- New York Jets running back Mike Goodson was arrested early this morning when police discovered him and another man intoxicated in a parked SUV in Denville, New Jersey. CBSSports.com’s Will Brinson reports Goodson was found to be in possession of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, an unlawful handgun, a loaded gun and hollow-point rounds. Bail was set for Goodson at $50,000. Not going to lie, the New Jersey State Police page on the law and hollow point bullets makes for some interesting reading.

- Who knew what Ed Reed’s hip health was like and when is this summer’s least interesting box office thriller. Either way, the DB might need hip surgery which would cause him to miss part of training camp.

- Gronk’s going to have a fourth surgery on his left forearm to take care of a staph infection that’s flared up around the plate put into his broken arm. Supposedly he’s been on antibiotics since his last surgery, but you know what the scientists say, correlation doesn’t mean causation. Could be penicillin for too much Gronking. Update: Looks like Gronkowski might need back surgery in addition to the work on his arm. This is definitely too much Gronking.

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Kyle Love was recently diagnosed with Diabetes, which is astounding considering how healthy he is.

Anyway, Mr Love was released two weeks later due to “non-football injury”. Yeah, they can try to be coy, but lets be real here. He got released for his Diabetes. Now, Jay Cutler has Diabetes, but it doesn’t really affect his play. Jay Cutler’s lack of O-line causes his play, also the fact that he doesn’t care. But he’s proof that Diabetes can be dealt with in an NFL environment. But this is Bill Belichick, he won’t stand for such nonsense. After many phone calls and information gathering through sources, I have found a whole list of minor health concerns that Mr Belichick will not stand for. Be wary. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

The most factually accurate article ever posted

Low blood sugar? Outrageous. We can’t have players forcing us to take timeouts so they can prick their fingers, get blood all over the field, just to check to make sure they aren’t going to die. What’s that? We can test them on the bench? No, our doctors are busy trying to nurse Gronk back to health, we can’t have them occupied with someone who can’t eat right. OFF THE TEAM.

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Summer is almost here. This means a number of things: warm weather, the smell of fresh cut grass, sitting outside after dinner with an iced tea or adult beverage and laughing with friends, etc. But it also means a bunch of disturbed people are going to fire up their misguided love affair with the ocean. “Oh, the ocean is so relaxing,” they’ll say, like idiots. “I love everything about it. The smell, the sound, playing in the waves, all of it. It’s just so peaceful.” Nope. Nope nope nope. First of all, human beings have no business in the ocean. We don’t have fins, we don’t have gills, and if we spend too long with our faces inside the ocean instead of on top of it, we will die. The only people who should spend any time at all dealing with the ocean are 50-year-old, barrel-chested fishing boat captains who look like Ernest Hemingway and don’t believe in melanoma. Everyone else, back to dry land.

And second, even if you insist on trifling with the ocean despite the obvious biological reasons to avoid it, it is terrifying and awful for a million reasons. Here are a few.

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Welcome back for another round of fierce kommenter drafting. This week we’re going to be picking our own mystery baskets for an episode of Chopped. For those unfamiliar with the show, there are three rounds, each with its own mystery basket. Each basket contains four ingredients that the chefs must use in dish that is then judged on taste, presentation and creativity. You know what? Just read Drew’s parody from last year. Then go buy his book.

You will be picking basket ingredients that other chefs will prepare for your amusement. Specify whether the basket is for the appetizer, entree or dessert round. Oh, and feel free to say what you’d make with the basket when it’s complete.

The judges will be Marcus Samuelsson, Amanda Freitag, Scott Conant and Aarón Sánchez. So feel free to throw some chocolate in there just to see that face Aarón makes every time some pinche gringo melts it down into their sh*tty tomato sauce and calls it mole.

Pick one ingredient, then wait five picks before going again. You’re done once you have all four ingredients. Then just sit back and imagine some chef turning it into a crostini, a hash or a bread pudding. REAL ORIGINAL, GUYS.

With the first pick in my entree basket, I’ll take snakehead fish.

Everyone in the Chesapeake Bay area was all worried when these scary (and delicious) bastards showed up from Japan because they’re an invasive species that eat everything. What they didn’t count on was the air-breathing fish taking so quickly to the American way of life. Recent studies have shown that the fish haven’t wreaked havoc because they are too lazy to eat anything that doesn’t swim right past their mouth USA! USA! USA!

If nothing else it will be fun watching some asshole vegan caterer try to wrestle with this monster.

I’m PFT Commenter and I’m counting down the 10 sharpest minds in the industry. Where will your favorite analyst or sports person land? (probably not high)

Ranked on: Infotainment value, being a pros pro and strength of takes

7. Chris Berman

Infotainment Value: 9

Boom switches from just a nother guy at the barstool crackin wise to giving it to you straight mode faster then anyone in the business. It would of been so great to watch Boom steer a really hilarious episode of Sunday sportscenter directly into announcing to America and the world that we killed bin Laden, but you know Obummer held onto the news just long enough so that Berman coudn’t break it by calling him “Osama Bin Shotten” and Americas never forgiven him for that.

And dont get me started with Radio city, watching him host the draft is like watching Jimmy Hendrix sing,, just a real treat. Hes basicly my biggest inspiration for giving nicknames out. These are all inspired by Boom: Maurice Loans Drew, Ray pRice, RG-ME, College Rapperneck(tattoos), CJ-2YPC, Adrian PEDerson, Ndamukong Smh and many others the mans a inspiration.

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