It’s a bit of an unusual mailbag today. I’m a little wiped out from insane manifestos and squirrel pictures, plus it’s been a busy week for me on the sex and fantasy football front. I did my first-ever live draft on Monday night for my 12-team money league — just because I write this column doesn’t mean I’m some kind of seasoned expert, you know. Here’s the lineup for Muffcunt Vaginapussy in 2010:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Steve Smith (baby-puncher)
WR: Malcolm Floyd
RB: Jamaal Charles
RB: LeSean McCoy
Flex (RB/WR/TE): C.J. Spiller
TE: Tony Gonzalez
D/ST: Saints
Bench: Matt Stafford, Owen Daniels, Austin Collie, LenDale White, Laurent Robinson, Devery Henderson.

I won’t lie: my nipples get hard when I look at those starters. The bench… ehhh, that bench is what happens when you’re six beers in.

As for sex, well, I had it. Like, twice. Wait, no: once. I think. Never mind. Let’s just get to the questions.

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Not gonna lie, I could have done with much less Kellen Clemens haggling with a team that would love to cut him and long shots of Lavernaeus Coles walking dolefully down a hallway, but this episode found a way to get some amusing content in in fits and starts. Certainly enough that we could cobble together a handful of clips.

Plus, it can’t be worse than naked Rex in the hot tub next week.

Why would we show that screencap? THE TERRRMINATOR

Without further ado, the five best from episode four…

5. GET OFF MY ASS!

Awww, Kris Jenkins. Freaking out like he’s done prison time.

4. “This Fuggin Bart Guy”

Oh, Mike Pettine, you’ll learn to love Bart Scott yet.

3. That’s Why My Brother Got Rid Of Your Ass

Rex got into it with a Redskins defender who tackled LaDainian hard after a long run. Not good enough to play for Rob Ryan? Ouf. That’s some cold shit, Rex.

However, Mike Westoff sums up my feelings on the Redskins more concisely.

2. FUGGIN SANCHEZ

Nacho shows his mischievous side with a little unicorn ass on your desktop after he didn’t get his special Jets Trapper Keeper like he wanted. Of course, it seems like he knew a little too quickly where to locate said picture. Nevertheless, well done. Also, the Taco Bell hat makes yet another cameo.

1. Let’s Go Eat A Goddamn Snack

Don’t be a slapdick team. Get some goddamn snacks.

Not quite on par with the first week speech, but this one was still pretty special.

The episode description says the Jets visit Hofstra for a scrimmage. Based on the accuracy of last week’s description, I can only assume that Rex takes the team on an exotic pussytubing cruise to Thailand while Mike Westoff cautions against the spread of the resulting STD pandemic.

For those disinclined to follow media circlejerks, the latest one involves Washington Post columnist Mike Wise, who, for whatever fatuous reason, decided to take to his Twitter account on Monday to try an “experiment with online media” where he made up a report saying he heard that Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension is being reduced to five games. A few online media outlets, including ProFootballTalk, fell for the ruse, which Wise later stupidly bragged about on his radio show. Wise did an interview that day with Dan Levy, in which he responded to Florio’s contention that the Tweets were a dick move by suggesting that Florio has no right to talk because he’s a remorseless ethically challenged dick, which is true but doesn’t make Florio’s claim any less right.

As a result of his dumb prank, Wise was suspended by WaPo for a month. Florio, still self-righteously fuming over being duped, complained that Wise should have been fired. Speaking as someone who has been fired from The Washington Post for an infraction less serious than Wise’s, even I thought his punishment was fair. Later, The Post’s ombudsman, who doesn’t have the authority to fire anyone, weighed in, saying that Wise was lucky not to have been shitcanned. Uh oh, someone agreed with Florio! Time for gloating! And not just any gloating. CRAZY DELUSIONAL GLOATING.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Who exactly do you think are, the David Broder dean of the football press corps? No one cares who you think should be fired. You’ve carved yourself a nice and probably lucrative place among the great sports media borg, Florio, but don’t let your success floating rumors and theories fool you into thinking you’ve achieved some elevated place from which you can impose your demands.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC West, home to so many Jeebus-obsessed quarterbacks, you might as well call it a sect instead of a division.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ‘06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

Our sporadic “Inside A Tailgate” feature returns today. It combines our love of NFL party videos and our love of lazy YouTube-based posts. This week, some not-at-all-this-close-to-making-out pals take in a Buccaneers exhibition game. The title promises a crotch battering, so you know it’s good.

:05 – Opening with the nutshot? It’s an indictment of the attention span of the average viewer when they can’t even be expected to sit through minimal buildup before the payoff.
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We apologize that we’re only just now addressing the fact that Patriots rookie Brandon Spikes has a sex tape. As you know, Big Daddy Drew — our resident black dick enthusiast — is on vacation, so we have yet to view the video, although you may do so at your own leisure over at World Star Uncut (NSFW, obviously). For the sake of good taste and cleanliness, I hope that “uncut” refers to the tape and not Spikes’s penis.

Also, we’d like to point out that, like Deadspin, we were NOT interested in the rights to the tape for $1500. Not when there’s so much free bukkake on the Internet.

It seems that my comments about the certain language used by New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan have generated a little bit of controversy. First of all, let me explain that as an NFL analyst, I automatically know more than all of the 32 current head coaches that haven’t been fired from their jobs, like I was. I gotta tell you, it’s much easier to be an offensive guru when you can criticize other people’s schemes without executing one of your own. But that aside, I feel compelled to clarify some of those remarks about “certain language,” and I’m happy to do so in this space. Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left Starwood Preferred traveler Peter King, he was being brilliantly satirized by that rapscallion Drew Magary. Well Drew’s on vacation now, so I’m all you’ve got. This week King actually talks about relevant football stuff, or more specifically, how a new rule will inhibit Peyton Manning. Oh, and there’s some stuff about Favre’s bone juice, but it’s not as sexy as you’d imagine.

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If you’re anything like me, you watch the first quarter of NFL preseason games to make hasty snap judgments about who to draft in your fantasy leagues (“I MUST HAVE MIKE WALLACE!”). To that end, anyone who tuned into last night’s Steelers-Broncos game on NBC was treated to a pleasant surprise: a double rainbow at Mile High. It’s a nice metaphor for the beginning of the NFL season. The double rainbow guy sounds like me during Week 1 every fall. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? IT’S SO VIVID! SO INTENSE! OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT FOOTBALL. WOOOOOO!!!!

/cries tears of joy

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